Musings of a Bipedal Vertebrate

Almost a year

2010-02-15T16:58:00.001-08:00

Optimus,

I miss you Baby Boy. In a few days it'll be a year since You were taken from us and crossed the rainbow bridge and it still hurts to not have You here. I can smile and laugh at all the memories I have of You, I always could, but I still feel the pain of losing You too. I still automatically look for You when I vacuum expecting to see You pounce the vacuum cleaner and then wait for Your super sucker power rubbies, still wait for nighty time face rubbies when I crawl into bed and wakey uppy time face rubbies and brekky bellies in the morning, I still expect You to protect me from the tooter monster when it wiggles its ten piggy heads under the blankies, and I still shed a few tears everytime I remember that I only have memories of You because You're gone. I know it's supposed to get easier, and in some ways it has, but in others it's gotten harder.

I still dream about you too, and everytime I wake up thinking it's real and then cry again because it's not. I wish those dreams would last longer, Your Mommy and Sissies get to play with You in them. They chase you around and around, You pounce their tails, all of You lay in a big kitteny pile of nappytime happiness. Those dreams feel so good because we're all together.

We got snow, lots of it. I remember intruducing You and the rest of My Babies to snow. You were the only one that didn't freak out and try to run back inside or up my leg. You stood there looking at it, lifting your paw and looking at the cold white stuff stuck to it, sniffing it, and then licking it before deciding it must be a toy. I can still see You trying to catch the falling flakes, jumping up and swatting at them, bouncing around in less than an inch it on the ground and trying to look like You meant to slide and fall on Your butt. We got lots more snow than that now. Your Mommy and Sissies still don't like it, but I know You'd love it. You'd have to stand up on Your back legs to poke Your head out of it and leap way up high to move around. That's one thing that's harder, snow. I'm glad I was alone when it started, explaining to the person we've been staying with why I called You and why I was crying would have been impossible. Without even thinking I called You to you to ask if you were watching the snow fall. For just an instant I was back Home and You were there.

Your Mommy, Sissies, and I aren't in the Home you knew anymore. I cried for a while when we had to leave there because it was Your Home and I was afraid the memories of You there would fade. Thankfully they didnt, The background in them has but not the important part, You. I wish we were still living there though, all of us in our happy Home together. The happiest, most fullfilling, and most fullfilled part of my life was in that apartment with My Babies. Everything in my life before that just seems meaningless, like life didn't begin till Your Big Sissies came into my life and was only complete after Your Mommy brought You and Your Litter Sissies to me. It feels like I was only going through the motions before that, just suviving alone in an empty existence until I was blessed with my Baby Kitties. I don't know if there is a meaning or purpose to life, but it seems that if there is mine was to love and be loved by You and Your Mommy and Sissies and to continue to love them and be loved by them.

We're going to be leaving this place soon too. Your Mommy and Sissies will still be together, but I need You to watch over them for me, especially at night. I won't be able to stay where they are so I'll be sleeping somewhere else. They're going to be confused and upset at being in another new place as it is and not having anything that smells right or being able to sleep with Daddy will have them more upset and confused so You need to watch over them just like You always did. They're going to need You till I can get us another place where we can be together again and until then Your Mommy and Sissies will need you to protecys them and make them feel all better. I know You'll be doing that, that You're still doing that.

I can see You up there laying at the peak of the rainbow bridge, paws hanging over the edge, head and ears up, tail curled around Your body looking down and watching over us. My Baby Boy looking all regal like the sphynx watching over His domain and making sure His family is safe. I miss You Buddy, and I love You.

Daddy

Letter to Opty - from an older post, deserves its own.

2009-08-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

Optimus,

I love you. I'll always love you. You'll always be my Baby Boy and my Buddy. Losing you has left a hole inside me that will never be filled. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. You were always there for me, whether it was a migraine or a collapsed lung, you took the best care of me you could and stayed by my side till I was better and I should have been there for you. Please forgive me Baby Boy. If I'd had any idea there was something wrong I'd have been right there, holding you as I called the vet, talking to you as I took you there, holding you as you were examined, and no matter what it took I'dve paid it to make you better.

Don't worry about your Sissies and Mom, I'll take the best care of them I can. Paradox and Ninjai don't understand why they can't find you, and I'm trying to do what I can for them, but they're gonna miss you even more than me. You were their Big Brother, their Litter Mate, you babies had a bond before I ever met you so I know they're gonna take this hard when they realize you aren't coming back. I'll be there for them, I promise. I'll do my best to cheer them up, but it's gonna be hard. I keep looking for you, it's gonna take a long time for me to stop doing that if I ever do. I hope I don't. I hope I keep looking for you for the rest of my life so that your memory doesn't fade. I should have taken more pictures of you, I only have the ones I took when you were real little, and I haven't gotten those developed. But I'm going to do that today.

I hope you don't mind, but I messaged one of the people on the gun forum that does taxidermy. I want to have you here forever, sitting regally like the sphynx watching over me and your Sissies and Mom. I know its just a shell, but its still you're shell and I don't think I can just let the vet toss you after they find out why you left me. I'm sorry about that too, but I need to know so I can protect the rest of the babies if its something they might catch. Its why I contacted the taxidermist, the vet is going to have to cut you open as it is. I'm sorry for that, you should be here in my lap right now instead of where you are.

I miss you, Buddy. We were allies against the female forces here. You and me against the girls. You were my Baby Boy, curled up in my lap getting belly rubs. You were our protector, watching over us as we slept, watching over me when I was ill, and patiently waiting at the door for me to come home to you when the doctor made me better.

You'll always be my Baby Boy, I'll always love you, and there will always be a home for you inside my heart.

Daddy

Six Months

2009-08-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

Its been six months since He was taken from us. I still can't think about Him without crying. I can't talk about Him without crying. I still keep looking for Him without thinking about it. I try to chase Him from the faucet when making coffee and tell Him to watch His head when I get up from the desk. I still have so many habits that exist only because of Him but they have no meaning now.

I sit at my desk after taking a shower and still close my eyes and just sit here. I'd washed "our smell" off of me and He'd fix that. He'd jump up on the desk and start rubbing His cheeks and forehead against my face getting His smell and the smell of the other Babies back on me, then He'd groom my hair and beard so I looked as good as I smelled. Sitting down and closing my eyes while I enjoyed His grooming of me became automatic. Now its just sitting down and closing my eyes, and it tears me up.

I get into bed, give the covers a shake so they lay loosely around my feet and wait. He'd always jump on the bed, rub my face to say goodnight, then pounce my feet and wrap his paws around them as he rubbed His face on them through the blankets. Now its just a flap of the blankets that drives a knife into my heart.

I wake up and wait for Him to greet me with a morning face rub before getting his brekkie bellies like He did everyday and it never comes. There's no good mornings for Daddy.

Exactly 6 months to the day and it still feels like He's here. Sometimes I swear I hear Him cry, so I call Him to me only to realize that it couldn't have been Him. I'll be laying in bed and feel His freight train rumble run through my foot and I wiggle my toes and try to rub His ears with them but there's nobody there. I'll be at my desk, kicking my foot as I type, bump Him, and when I push the keyboard tray in as I say "Daddy boooooked you" I see an empty space under the desk instead of Him.

I miss Him so much. I still need My Buddy. He deserves to be with his family playing with bally, and pouncing their tails, and running around the apartment, and napping with them and just being loved. More than anything He deserves a long, healthy, happy life full of love.

Never finished this one - Started July 27

2009-08-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

My chest problems haven't gone away, its getting worse. But that's not why I'm writing.

Lynx has been laying up on the dresser when I go to bed lately. She lays there, front paws curled under, head and ears up, eyes slitted and wathcing the room.
When I lay down in the bed Calicat lays on my stomach with her head on my chest or by my side pressed against me purring away.
At the desk Paradox is in my lap, laying there purring or sitting pressed against my chest.
Ninjai tries to follow me into the bathroom everytime I go in like she doesn't want me out of her sight.
Lilly lays by my feet under the desk and in the bed keeping the other cats from attacking them and using them for pillows.

Those used to be Optimus' jobs. He'd watch over us at night when we went to bed before joining us. He stayed by my side in bed and in my lap at the desk purring away trying to heal my chest. He followed me to the bathroom to keep an eye on me and make sure I was ok. He layed by my feet and kept the others from attacking them when I was healthy. Those were His jobs. He decided to watch over us at night so I could sleep and make sure my toes weren't stalked, and take care of me when my lung collapsed.

I miss Him. I miss Him so much. It's over 5 months and I still think about Him everyday, I still call for Him. I still accidentally call my other Babies by His name when they do something that reminds me of Him. I still expect Him to be there giving me morning rubbies and ready for brekky bellies when I wake up. I go to bed, tell my Babies its beddy times and then pause expecting night night rubbies from Him. I turn on the faucet to get water for coffee and still expect HIm to try playing with the water.

It's their birthday

2009-05-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Paradox, Ninjai, and Optimus will be two, except Opty's gone. I wanted to get Him the Man with the Yellow Hat from Curious George because He loved that cartoon and would always try to touch the Man with the Yellow Hat when he was on the screen and wouldn't take His eyes off him. He looked so cute sitting right in front of the tv, nose almost pressed to the screen as He followed TMwtYH around and tried to grab him. I was gonna get a soft plush MwtYH for Him so He'd be able to play with him anytime He wanted to. I'm still gonna get it for Him, and wanted to get it for tomorrow but I can't afford it right now. I was gonna get a new net bed for Paradox too, her favorite place to curl up is on the one thats supported on all four sides here, Ninjai prefers the net hammock so I was going to get her a new one too. None of the other cats sleep on them so those are their spots and I wanted to get them new ones, but again I can't afford it right now. So for now all I can do is give them the sample packs of "party mix" blend food I have here (I already gave it to them and they loved it) and tomorrow give them some special din dins (gonna try to borrow a couple bucks to get them chunk white albacore in water) and give them extra lovings in the form of more petting, scratching, and belly rubbing than normal.

Besides being their birthday, its also Saturday and that means Saturday morning cartoons. If you've read my previous blogs you know how much that hurts, if not, read them and you'll understand. Having the rest of My Babies here helps some but it still hurts when I expect Him to be there and He's not. I still look for Him and call Him without thinking about it. It's been just over three months now, I still think about Him just as much, still expect Him to be here just as often, and it's still not any easier to deal with losing My Baby Boy.

Six Kookies

2009-05-08T14:13:00.001-07:00

Six cookies, that's whats left in the jar. They're kitty cookies, Whisker Lickin's. My Babies love them, When I grab the jar and they hear the cookies rattling around inside they come running, they know that sound. Everytime I give them some they get three each. They all push and shove to get their cookies, trying to be the first and then trying to sneak an extra however they can. All excpet for Optimus, He always waited till the others had their cookies to walk past them and get His. He knew he wouldn't be skipped, and He also knew that by waiting He'd get special scratches and pets while He nommed His cookies.

I've given the Babies cookies twice since I lost Him. Each time I poured them into my hand, counted to make sure I had enough for all of them, gave them their cookies, then called Opty to give Him the last three in my hand. I'd counted out 18 cookies, enough for all six of my Babies, but I only have five babies now. I never even thought about it, I just got the cookies out and started giving them to my Babies and when I'd given out all but three I called Opty. When I realized what I did the tears started rolling.

They started rolling today too. I grabbed the jar to give them some cookies and there were only six left in it. They're Opty's cookies, more precisely they're the six cookies I had left between the two times I've given Babies cookies since I lost Him. I know He wouldn't mind if I gave them to His Sissies and Mommy, but 6 cookies, 5 cats, there's no way to give them out evenly and unless there's some special circumstance, like when Opty got neutered or when Ninjai had a bladder infection, I give them out evenly.

Even if there was only 5, they're my Baby Boy's cookies, so He has them. I taped the lid on the jar and put it in His box. I know it's not the same as giving them to Him, but they're His so He should have them and that's the only way to give them to Him. I wish He was still here, I miss Him so much and His Sissies and Mom still look for Him when they're playing so I know they miss Him too. We all miss Him.

Dreams within Dreams

2009-03-27T06:48:00.001-07:00

I woke up today ice cold, soaked in sweat, and tangled in the covers so tightly I couldn't move. I didn't remember my dreams but they must have been bad. It was ok though, one of my babies was there trying to comfort me. My hair was plastered to my face so I couldn't see, but the warm face rubbing against mine, the sandpaper tongue licking the sweat away, the freight train rumble of a purr that I could feel as much as hear, and the plaintive cries that said "Daddy, wake up. Its ok, I'm here for you" all made everything ok. I managed to get my arms untangled from the blankets, pulled my hair out of my face so I could see, looked into those loving eyes, and instantly everything was right in the world.

Then I sat up and held Him. I reached my arms out and just held Him close feeling His purr vibrate through me. I scratched His ears, His cheeks, and His chin. I put my hands under His front legs and lifted Him up so I could rub my face against His. I told Him over and over how much I love Him and how glad I was to see Him. I turned Him on His back to give Him His brekky bellies and He just stretched Himself out and purred away as happy as can be. I just sat there on the bed holding Him and loving Him and telling Him how special He is to me, and He just laid there purring away and looking up at me with such love in His eyes it made me cry.

So I sat there, holding Him as I rubbed His belly and crying. I told Him all about the horrible nightmare I'd had, how I'd dreamed I'd lost Him, how much it hurt, how much His Sissies and Mommy and I had missed Him, and how overjoyed I was that it had only been the worst of dreams and was finally over. I told him I was gonna go get a camera to get lots of pictures of Him and His Sissies and Mommy, and that I was gonna get HIm His birthday present early. I'd promised Him I'd get Him the "Man with the Yellow Hat" for His birthday, but now He was getting it early because of the nightmare.

Opty just looked up at me and meowed, He liked the idea of getting His birthday present early and I laughed. He rolled over, stood up in my lap, and started rubbing His face against mine again and I rubbed mine against His as I stroked his back and scratched His ears. Everything was as it should be, my Baby Boy was right here with us getting the love He deserves.

I started crying again, but this time the tears weren't from joy. Instead of just rolling down my face as I smiled and held Optimus, they were joined with racking sobs. I held Optimus tighter, thinking it was just the last of the pain from the nightmare working its way out of me and that it would pass, but I had an uncontrollable need to just hold Him close and tell Him over and over that I love Him. I couldn't see through my tears, and when I managed to open my eyes again and wipe away the tears I was laying on my side on the bed curled up in a ball saying "I love you Opty." I reached for Him but He wasn't there, and when I called Him He didn't come.

When I sat up to look for Him, everything was wrong. His tubbys, the table, His crates, they were all in the wrong places. They weren't in His places, they were where I'd moved them to over the weekend. It hadn't been real. Everyday I cry, everyday I beg to wake up from this nightmare. I thought I had, I thought the nightmare was over but it was only a dream. I tried to go back to sleep, I wanted to be able to hold Him again, to be able to rub His belly to make Him happy, to see that love in His eyes and feel His contented purring as I held Him, but I couldn't. I couldn't get back to sleep, instead I just laid there crying.

The wrong dream ended.

Birdie Buddies

2009-03-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Took the plastic off one of the windows today and raised the blinds. The cats immediately raced over to look out the window. Theres a section of the blinds thats torn apart on one side, about 6 inches square, that they could look out of with the blinds down, but with them up they all raced over. Optimus loves watching the birds outside, Lynx too. The two of them would sit on the windowsill both looking out the broken section or at the window in the kitchen and just watch the birds play. They especially love after it rains, there's a small ledge outside the window that water pools in, the birds use it as a birdbath and they just love laying there watching them.

So with the plastic down, the blinds up, and all my Babies were looking out the window. Lynx was on the far left just far enough from the end to allow another cat at the window. Lynx would always lay on the windowsill with her body stretched out to the right with Opty on her left, those were their spots. Lynx didn't let the other cats jump in Opty's spot, she never did, she always saved His spot for Him just like He'd save her spot for her. They're Birdie Buddies and they save each others birdy watching spots. So when I saw her saving His spot, I did what any good Daddy would do, I called him.

"Optyboo come see the birdies with your Birdie Buddy."

As soon as I said it it hit me yet again that He's gone and the tears just started running. I just sat down there talking to the rest of my Babies, petting them, and crying. Everyday its something new, another of the infinite number of things that were uniquely Optimus, yet another reminder that He's gone. People keep telling me it'll get easier, but everyday it gets harder. Everyday that would gets torn open a little more and I don't know what to do other than just sit there and cry.

I used to have faith

2009-03-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got up before the alarm went off, it was still dark in the apartment and I decided to just stay in bed till the alarm went off. I've got the heat turned down so its usually a little chilly in the morning and the bed was nice and warm so I figured id just stay in it till I had to get up. I shifted around a bit to get myself more comfortable and in the process got my usual morning greeting, Opty rubbing His face against mine to start my day with a bit of Baby Boy lovings. I sat up and I asked if he wanted some brekky bellies as I scooped Him up to hold like a baby . Brekky bellies are what I call His morning belly rubs. What I scooped up was a pillow, it had pressed against my face as I got more comfortable and felt so much like Optimus that at first I thought it was Him. I lost it. I just sat there holding the pillow and crying.

Its almost a month since I lost Him and I still can't deal with it. I wake up everyday expecting Him to be there. I go to make coffee and expect Him to try to play with the water coming out of the faucet. I get up to get another cup of coffee and look under the desk for Him so I don't kick Him. I sit down after getting showered and call Him to "come fix Daddy's smell." There's so many little things that remind me of Him, and even though they're all good memories they hurt so much. Everyday something new reminds me of Him, and every new thing tears me up again.

Last night I was laying in bed reading and something in the book made me think of Him, I couldn't stop crying for over two hours. The rest of my Babies got up and sat with me, they tried to cheer me up, they were laying in my lap, grooming me, purring, and pressing themselves up against me but I just couldn't stop crying. If it wasn't for them I would've completely lost it by now, but they can only do so much and normally their attempts to help me just remind me more of Opty. I miss Him so much, I'd give almost anything to have Him back. I wish I could just wake up and find that this was all just a horrible nightmare, I keep praying for that.

He deserves to have a long, healthy, happy life. He's the most loving and lovable cat I've ever met. He wanted to be everyones friend, and everyone that met Him fell in love with Him, even people that don't like cats couldn't help themselves. If any of his sisters or His mother, or I wasn't feeling well He was right there taking care of them. When everyone was feeling good He wanted to explore and play. His sisters and mom deserve to have Him here to play with them and take care of them when they're sick. He deserves to get His brekkie bellies everyday.

It doesn't make any sense. The bastard that beat a litter of baby kittens that barely had their eyes open to death and threw them out a fourth floor window of the building half a block from me is walking the streets. The mother and one other kittens got away. He's free, making money off the building he tossed those helpless babies out of. Optimus never hurt anyone, would never have thought of hurting anyone unless they were hurting one of His family, He wanted nothing more than to explore the world, play, and make everyone He met happy, but He wasn't allowed to do that.

I keep praying that this is just a nightmare I can wake up from. I keep begging to have Him back with us. I'm willing to suffer myself if it will bring him back, I'll gladly spend everyday of the rest of my life living with the pain I felt when my lung tore open if that's what it takes. He deserves to be here. His feline family deserves to have Him here. I'd like to believe that I deserve to have Him here. But He's not. He should be, but He's not.

I used to believe that there was something out there watching over all of us, looking out for us, wanting us to be happy and to know they love us. Now, how can I believe in anything? What kind of God or Gods allows someone that murders helpless kittens to walk free and live a good life while taking someone who loves everyone, tries to make them happy, and takes care of them when they don't feel good from those who love and need Him? What kind of benevolent being denies someone as loving as that the long life they deserve?

I used to have faith. On Feb 18, 2009 when My Baby Boy died, so did my faith. Resurrecting that requires resurrecting Him.

Half a glass of water

2009-03-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and as usual started my coffee. Making coffee hurts, I try to shoo Optimus away when I turn on the faucet because He always wanted to play in the water.

While waiting for it to finish brewing I sat at the desk figuring I'd check my email. My A&W mug was sitting there from last night and I didn't give it any thought when I picked it up and took a swallow of the water in it. I also didn't give it any thought when I said "Opty's such a good boy. He didn't spill Daddy's water last night." After I said it I realized what I'd just said and the tears just started rolling.

I could never leave anything in a glass or mug on my desk without it getting spilled. Optimus would see it, bump the glass or mug, see the liquid sloshing around, and try to play with it. He wasn't trying to be bad, He just wanted to play with the water or tea or whatever was in the glass. He didn't mean to spill it, and I never scolded Him badly for it. I'd just tell Him "Thats not a toy," "Don't spill Daddy's water," "Thats Daddy's, thats not for you to play with," etc. I'd completely forgotten that He always tried to play with any glass that had liquid in it. Its one of a million little things that I know are going to tear me apart for a long time to come.

I don't understand why this happened. He had so much life in Him, so much yet to explore. There's an entire world out there for Him to discover yet. An entire lifetime of Love that He deserves to be given.

I used to love the snow

2009-03-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

So its snowing. I always asked for snowfall measuring in feet, not inches, full out feet. I used to love the snow. Now it hurts. My Baby Boy loved the snow too. He'd sit on the windowsill in the kitchen and watch it fall. Even if it was just a little snow, a few flurries floating lazily from the clouds, it didn't matter. If snow was falling, He was watching it, pawing at the window trying to play with it, completely mesmerized by the white fuzzies falling outside the window. He was even more excited by watching the snow than watching birds. He'd just be watching the flakes fly, pawing at the window, meowing happily every few minutes as His freight train rumble of a purr rolled through Him.

His Birdy Buddy Lynx would watch birds with Him, she watched the snow with Him too. She's not watching the snow now. She's sitting in her spot on the windowsill, head down on her paws, but she's not sleeping. Her eyes are open and she keeps scanning back and forth around the room. She's looking for Him. She's been doing that the last couple days. Just like Optimus and I had a special bond, They did too. There's two pink stuffed ball's here that used to be attached to a cat gym till they were torn off. Lynx claimed them both for herself, they're hers and she doesn't like when the other cats play with them. She taught me to play fetch with her with it, I'd toss it and she'd go get it and bring it back to me to throw again. If one of the other cats tried to grab it, she'd chase them away from it. If they didn't run, she'd just wait till they dropped it then grab it. She kept the other Babies from playing with it, except for Optimus. She let him play with it. She even invented a game for the two of them to play. She'd jump up on the bed with it, drop it, then toss it up in the air with her paws over and over. Toss it up, let it fall, toss it up, let it fall, over and over until Optimus jumped up on the bed, grabbed it, and ran. He'd run to the kitchen with it and drop it, then sit down next to it. Lynx would just walk out to the kitchen, calmly pick it up, take it back to the bed, and start tossing it again. She shared her Ballies with Him, but not with anyone else.

He was the same way with His toy. He claimed the stuffed frog I got from a crane for the Babies as His. He'd pick it up and carry it around the apartment, chew on and bat at the ribbons around its neck, and not let the other cats touch it. Except for Lynx. Lynx was the only other cat allowed to play with it, anyone else touched it and He'd walk over, bite one of the eyes, and start walking away with it. He dwarfed all the other Babies (except Lynx) so they'd either have to let go or be drug across the room with it. With Lynx it was different though, she's not as long as Him, but she's fatter so she weighs the same. If she was playing with it, He let her. If the other cats were playing with it and He wasn't interested in it, He'd still take it from them, but then He'd take it to Lynx and lay it down next to her.

They shared everything like that, even me. The other cats will squabble over a spot in my lap, either chasing each other off, or climbing in together and forcing the other to move over, or just laying right on top of whoever's there. Optimus and Lynx would take turns. One would be laying in my lap, and when the other came over and put their paws up on my leg the one that was already there would climb up on the desk next to me and let the other in my lap.

The only thing they didn't share was their spots. They each had their own personal space, and each respected the others space. They never laid in the others spots, and at times even kept the other cats out of each others spots.

They were the ideal Brother and Sister.

She misses Him. She's laying on their window, head down, waiting for Him to come watch the snow with her. She's been laying in His spots the same way. The other cats still wander around looking for Him, but I think she's realized He's gone. Last night when she was layin in His spot on the plastic tubs next to the dresser, the spot He'd lay in to watch over us before He joined us on the bed, I realized she'd been laying in His spots like that. Her head was down on her paws, her eyes were open, and she was watching the room. When I got up and started petting her, she didn't lift her head up to get her ears scractched like she always does, instead she just turned her head to look at me. I could see it in her eyes, she knew He was gone and wouldn't be coming back. It made me cry. I just laid my head next to hers and talked to her while we grieved together.

He was My Baby Boy and her Baby Brother, My Buddy and her Birdy Buddy. He was Our Optimus Prime and we miss Him.

Emergency room again

2009-02-26T18:08:00.000-08:00

I was at the emergency room again yesterday (Wed, Feb 25). I spent about 6 hours there. The pain just off center of my chest that I've had since my lung collapsed has gotten worse, I'm having pain under my ribs and in my back again, walking a block leaves me short of breath as well. I called the doctor that treated me and he said to go to the emergency room. They did an EKG, took chest Xrays to check if the lung collapsed again, took about a half a gallon of blood to do a test for clots.

The good news is my lung hasn't collapsed again and theres no indication that a bloodclot broke loose anywhere and punched a hole in my lung. The bad news is theres air inside my chest cavity again meaning somethings leaking. The official diagnosis for why the pain i still had got worse and the pain that had gone came back is "undetermined." The doctor said its likely that the lining of the chest cavity has separated from the chest wall.

Apparently when lungs spring a leak it can dry out the lubricant that coats the chest cavity lining and dry it out. When that happens, the scar tissue that forms when the lung heals can attach itself to the lining. The result is things like coughing fits can cause the lining to be pulled away from the chest wall.

It wasn't a coughing fit in my case. The pain came back last week late in the evening on Wednesday, the day I lost Optimus. I was crying and sobbing harder than I've ever cried in my life for over an hour and it was during that time that it felt like a knife was driven into me again. I didn't even gave it a thought till yesterday.

Theres even more bad news for me. A couple hours before I went to the emergency room I went over to my job to sign some paperwork they needed my signature on. It was acknowledgement of receipt of the updated attendance policy. Right after I signed that I was informed they need people who can be there all the time, who don't have major medical issues that have potential for recurring problems and that if I wanted to be considered for re-employment with them in the future I would have to give them a signed letter of resignation. Quit or be fired and never work here again. So I'm now out of a job.

"Oh, you're a Transformer now? You think you're Optimus Prime or something?"

2009-02-23T06:20:00.000-08:00

"Oh, you're a Transformer now? You think you're Optimus Prime or something?"

Thats what I said when He was 10 1/2 weeks old. Until then, everyone including me thought He was a girl, but at 10 1/2 weeks He rolled over, kicked His legs apart, and there He was in all His boyish glory. And so He was named.

Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, hero of the Cybertronian wars, the greatest Autobot that ever was, and my favorite Transformer ever since I was a kid. Yeah there were other cool Transformers. Shockwave and Blaster who transformed into boom boxes and had mini casette Transformers inside them. The constructicons who joined to form Devastator, they were the first Transformers who could do that, but not the last. Omega Supreme, the Titan who became an interstellar rocket, had lived since before the wars began, and had a sadness to him that tugged at the heartstrings of even a young child. Then there were the dinobots, the strongest of the Transformers, but also always the youngest in mannerisms.

But none of them could compare to Optimus Prime. How could they? He was the epitome of everything good in life. He stood for the forces of all that was good and right in the face of even the greatest evil. He never lost hope, even in the face of a seemingly unbeatable foe. He deplored violence, always seeing himself not as a warrior but as a leader who did what he had to to defend the innocent and defenseless, taking life only when he had no other option. He always sought peace in the midst of any conflict. He would do everything in his power to prevent others from being harmed, even if it meant retreating and allowing the Decepticons to win a battle. He always chose the lives of others over victory in battle. He would risk his own life to save any of his Autobots, any human, and even at times to save Decepticons. He put others before himself, right up to the end. In his final battle with Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, he had the chance to destroy his enemy once and for all and end the war and killing forever. All he had to do was sacrifice one of his own who Megatron was holding as a shield. Instead he sacrificed his own life to save Hot Rod, it was his way.

Others before himself. All life was important to him. It was his way, it was who he was. He was Optimus Prime.

Why am I talking about a childrens cartoon? I'm watching the original Transformers movie right now. Normally I watch it to remember my childhood. I always have tears just behind my eyes when Megatron kills Optimus Prime, just like I did as a child. A few tears always roll down my cheeks when the light goes out of his eyes after passing the Matrix to Ultra Magnus. For 90 minutes I feel just like I did as a kid. I'm a child again, living in a simpler time and a simpler world. Saturday morning cartoons are the same. But today that's not why I'm watching the movie, and its not why I was watching cartoons Saturday morning like I usually do.

I'm watching the movie for my Baby Boy. I was up on Saturday morning watching cartoons for Him as well. He loved cartoons. He'd hop up in front of the TV and sit with His nose inches from the screen watching the characters as they moved across it. Periodically He'd put his paw up on the screen and try to touch them. The other cats didn't bother with the TV unless there were birds on, they'd just lay on the bed with me while I watched them, but Optimus just loved His cartoons. I'd often have cartoons on that had no interest for me, things that have been on since I was a kid but which I'd never watched, new ones that I probably wouldn't have. But Optimus loved them. Children may keep their eyes on George, but my Opty only had eyes for The Man with the Yellow Hat. The brightly colored dragons of Dragon Tales mesmerized him. He'd chase the silly bird thing of Cyber Chase back and forth across the screen, reaching out to grab it. Anytime I went out, I checked the TV listings to find a channel that had cartoons on for as much of the time I'd be gone as possible and put it on for Him. When I was working, If I had to do overtime on Saturdays, I left the TV on so He could watch the cartoons when they came on. He enjoyed them so much, how could I not let Him watch them? I know He missed me, He was always the first to greet me when I came home, and I know that having the cartoons helped Him not miss me so much while I was out.

He was so curious, and so intelligent. When I'd watch the Transformers movie, He knew who He was named after, of course, that might be because I always pointed Prime out to Him and told Him "this is who You're named after". He'd be sitting there watching it, and when the light left Prime's eyes, he'd lay down. I thought it was just coincedence the first time, but he did it every time. Maybe He sensed my sadness, its more than possible, but there's a part of me that can't believe He was simply picking up on my nostalgic feelings. A part of me knows that He knew what had happened, and that laying down was His way of honoring His namesake.

He was Optimus Prime, named for the greatest Autobot that ever was, and He shared so many of his traits.

His Sissies and Mom would pick on Him, they'd beat Him up and He let them. He was bigger than all of them, He could have swatted them down easily, but other than playful wrestling, He never did. He wouldn't pick on them, His eyes showed that He knew it was wrong to hit someone smaller than Him even if they were hitting him. He'd just run off and leave them be. He was there for all of us when we were sick. It didn't matter what it was, if one of us wasn't feeling good He was there with us instead of playing or exploring. He gave of Himself completely with no reservations at all. His name fit Him perfectly. The great Autobot leader would have been proud to know that Optimus Prime lived up to His name.

But the Autobots had something we don't. They had Ultra Magnus to be there for them until Hot Rod rose up and became Rodimus Prime. We have no Ultra Magnus. We have no Hot Rod. We still need our Optimus Prime. But we have only memories of Him.

In a way, I envy the rest of my Babies. In time, His scent will fade until there's nothing left of him except in the items I've saved in bags. When His scent is gone, His Sissies and Mom will start to forget Him, at least consciously. In time, they'll have only vague recollections that there was another cat here, if that. They'll still go through the motions of games they played because its habit, but with little or no understanding of why they do it. They may leave a spot open at their dinner plates, but with no idea why other than that they always have. He'll become nothing more than a series of habits that have no meaning to them. They'll spend the rest of their lives in blisfull ignorance of what they lost, they'll no longer feel that loss. They'll be free of their grief, and they deserve that. They deserve to not have to feel the stabs of pain the little things will cause.

But I also feel sorry for them. Once His scent fades and they forget him they'll no longer have the memories of the joy He brought. They won't remember being curled up in a warm mass as they lay blindly suckling as infants. They won't remember the feel of His warm body pressed against theirs as they lay together while their mother napped separately for a bit. They'll have no memory of teasing Him with their tails before pouncing him and rolling around on the floor. They won't remember Him grooming them when they didn't feel good. Warm naps together under the blankets will be forgotten, as will running around the apartment chasing each other back and forth. They'll be denied the joys and happiness that those memories bring, but they deserve to have that. They deserve to forever remember the love they shared with Him.

88 1/2 hours.

2009-02-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

Just over 3 1/2 days since I found Him. I know its way to early to even expect to be dealing with it in anything that resembles a good way, but I'm having a really really really bad time of this and that's getting in the way of helping the other cats deal with it, and they need me to be there for them.

A friend said He was sent to me as an Angel to be there for me in my time of need. He told me that after I told him how Optimus acted when my lung collapsed. Sunday, Jan 18 around 2-2:30pm was when the hole tore open. When it did, I doubled over in my chair as I clutched my chest. Everything was black before my eyes were even closed, all sound stopped, and the only thing I could feel was the sword that had slammed through my back and out my chest under the ribs. That changed in just a few seconds.

I felt something in my lap, forcing its way past my arm onto the desk, sandpaper running along my cheek, plaintive cries, and the rumbling of a freight train vibrating through my side and chest from a warm mass. It was about 3ish when I finally opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was Optimus. Within seconds of my lung tearing He leaped up from where He'd been laying, in His spot by my feet, under the desk and climbed into my lap, His front paws on the desk, His body curled around my left side, and started licking my face and crying for me. He knew something was wrong and did the only thing He knew to do to help me. I sat here, doubled over, with my head on my desk clutching my chest for 30-60 minutes, and the entire time He was right here trying to help me. He stayed by my side completely for the next 4 days till I finally went to the hospital. Even when I went for a shower, He refused to let me out of his sight. He'd claw at the door and cry if I didn't let Him in with me, and because He couldn't see through the shower curtain, He'd poke his head around the end of it with his paws on the edge of the tub. He wasn't any different than most cats when it comes to water, He didn't like it except to drin, but after I got out of the shower I he got toweled off before I did because his face, chest, and legs were soaked from water splashing on him. He didn't care though, He didn't want to let Daddy out of His sight because He knew there was something wrong with me.

He waited patiently for me while I was in the hospital, sitting inside the door when the friend that took care of them for me came over, following him and crying as he gave them food and cleaned their litterbox. When I got home, He was right by my side again. sitting in my lap with His body pressed against the left side of my chest, laying in my bed stretched out on my left, refusing to be locked out of the bathroom, and His freight train rumble vibrating its way through me just like before I went in.

He was the same way with His Sissies and Mom. If one of them wasn't feeling well, He was right there with them. He took care of all of us.

The other cats tried to take care of me too, but not like Him. He didn't leave my side except to eat, drink, and use the litterbox. The others spent more time with me than usual, but they still went about their own lives too. We already had a special bond because He was the only male, so he was My Buddy, My Baby Boy, Daddys Baby, and Daddy's Boy. Don't get me wrong, all my Babies are special to me in their own ways, I have a unique bond with each of them that none of the others will ever be able to come close to having with me. They're all unique, they each have their own personality, and they each have their own special room inside my heart beside the room they all share there.

I knew I'd lose Him eventually, but I didn't expect it to be so soon or so suddenly. He didn't give any indication there was something wrong, if He did, I'd have had Him to the vet immediately and done whatever I had to to help him. I know He didn't suffer, He looked like He was asleep when I found Him. Curled in a half moon in one of His spots by the radiator, head against the DVD player, one paw propped on the board on top of the radiator. He looked so adorable I felt a little guilty about disturbing Him when I laid my cheek on the side of His chest to feel His rumbling against my face as I started to pet Him, but I knew He wouldn't mind being disturbed. I woke Him up like that often, and He always responded by licking and chewing at my hair to groom me as the freight train rumbled its way through Him at top speed.

Laying in my arms having His belly rubbed left Him rumbling away contentedly with a look of absolute trust in His eyes and He'd lay there for as long as I kept rubbing. He had no fear of the vacuum, He'd follow me around patiently waithing for His turn, and when I attached the upholstery brush to the wand He'd lay down on His side to get his "Power Sheddy Brushy Lovings," rolling onto His back after a few moments, then onto His other side before finally rolling onto His stomach to make sure every spot got hit. He'd lay under the desk, using my foot for a pillow and not give me an angry look when I moved my foot to get up and refill my coffee. He'd just lift His head, lay it back down, and when I sat back down and touched the top of His head with my toes, He'd lift his head so I could slide my foot under it for Him. At night when He curled up and wrapped himself around my feet I did everything I could to not move them, even if it meant I wasn't completely comfortable just because He liked holding them at night. It was so easy to make Him happy, to show Him how much He meant to me, so many ways to bring joy to Him, and I did them all simply because they made him Happy. I do it for all my Babies, I love them and want them all to be happy so I do what I know makes them happy. Some would call it a labor of love, but its not a labor at all, its just Love.

But if He was an Angel, why was He taken? The pain from the collapsed lung was nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling from losing Him. The pain that tears through me when I hear His Sissies crying as they look for him dwarfs the pain from the lung. The look in His Sissies eyes when they start to play one of Their games and He doesn't play His part of the game makes the lungs pain seem like a minor injury. I'd rather suffer the pain I initially felt when the lung collapsed every second of every day of the rest of my life than what I'm feeling now. I still need Him, His Sissies still need Him, we all still need Him. If He was an Angel sent to be here for me, how could any god that sent such an Angel to someone turn around and cause them this much pain by taking that Angel back? After giving someone an Angel that showed them that much Love, Real Love, why would they not allow that person the opportunity to return that Love? In His short life, He gave me an entire lifetime of Love. Why should He be denied the same? Why would any god deny Him that? For any god to send an Angel with that much Love in Him to someone, he would have to truly Love the one he sent the Angel to, but how could such a god not allow his Angel to receive the same Love? How could any god not love his Angels as much as he Loves a man? And if he truly loves that man, how could he send an Angel to help him through a temporary pain only to inflict upon him a worse pain that he'll carry for the rest of his life?

Optimus Prime 3 Months Old

2009-02-21T04:58:00.000-08:00

These are the only pictures I have of Optimus. He wasn't more than 3 months old or so when I took them. I don't have any pictures of my Babies between then and now. I wish I'd just spent the money to get a camera instead of putting it off because I couldn't justify the expense. I have one now, but its too late for my Baby Boy. He looks so different now, long and lean, you can see the predator in Him but even when He hurt a fly it was an accident and He cried because the fly wouldn't play anymore. He has His dads long face, unlike His sisters who all have their mothers shorter face.

The grey one next to him is of of his Litter Sissies, Ninjai, and the one walking through the back is one of his Big Sissies, Calicat Jackie.

Optimus Prime May 23, 2007 to Feb. 18, 2009

2009-02-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

Optimus Prime May 23, 2007 to Feb. 18, 2009

Please forgive my typing and the disjointed nature of this, I keep breaking down and crying as I type this and I know I missed some errors because I just can't keep from crying long enough to do this right. I've been working on it since a couple hours after I found him. I'd post a picture of him here, but I don't have any of him as an adult and the couple I have as a baby aren't very good. I wish I'd taken more photos of him and the rest of my Babies.

At night, He laid on the bed by my feet, one paw wrapped around them, his head pressed against them, and always purring like a freight train. If it was really cold out, He knew if my feet were cold. He'd push his way under the covers, knock them to the side, and curl around my bare feet to keep them warm, tickling my toes and the bottoms of my feet with his whiskers.
When one of the other cats was in my lap, if her tail was hanging down, He'd playfully attack her tail, swatting at it till she got tired of it and chased Him on a feline romp through the apartment.
When I'd make a pot of coffee, He'd try to get into the sink to swat at the water coming from the faucet, then He'd rub his face against my hand as I pushed Him away to keep my coffee hair free. I always left the water run while I poured the water into the coffeepot so He could play with it.
After taking a shower, when I smelled of body wash and shampoo, He always jumped in my lap and started rubbing his cheeks and forehead against my face because I'd washed off the 'nest scent' and He wanted to make Daddy smell right. When He was satisfied with that, He'd start chewing and licking my hair to unknot it. He wanted his Daddy to look as good as he smelled.
He loved the vacuum. the other baby kitties would keep their distance when I turned it on, some of them running, but not Optimus. He lived up to his namesakes bravery and faced down the vacuum without any fear. He'd charge it, pounce on it, attack it, and when the vacuuming was all done, I'd attach the upholstery brush to the wand and He'd roll around on the floor as I vacuumed the loose hair off him. He loved being vacuumed.
He also loved belly rubs. He'd let me pick Him up, hold Him like a baby, and rub his belly forever and He'd just purr away looking up at me with complete trust.
He'd climb in my lap for no reason other than He wanted to rub his face against mine and purr to say "I love you Dad."
When I put wet food down, the other cats would all be clammering for a spot on the counter, but Optimus would be at my feet, rubbing against my legs as He twined his way around them. I always had too look to make sure I didn't step on Him or kick Him when I turned to put the food down.
Sometimes when all the other baby kitties were laying in bed with me at night, He'd lay on top of my dresser, front paws stretched out in front of him, Head up, ears perked up, just watching us. He had such a regal bearing, like a king surveying his domain. I'd look at Him and ask Him "You watching over us Opty? Making sure we're all OK?" and the expression in his eyes when He looked at me was clear as day. The way He'd look at me just said "I've got it covered, Dad, you get your rest," and then He'd go back to watching us.
Optimus and his Litter Sissies Paradox and Ninjai played all the time. Paradox would start grooming him, licking his head and face, then she'd pounce Him and roll on Him before rolling around in front of him. Ninjai would be watching this. When Paradox had finally enticed Optimus to pounce they'd roll around wrestling and Ninjai would crouch, head down, tail up, butt wiggling with excitement before pouncing Optimus. Then they'd chase each other around the apartment for a little while before all laying down and napping together.
During the couple days before I went to the hospital because of chest pains all the cats spent more time with me, but only Optimus Prime was right there, by my side at all times. As soon as I'd sit down He'd be in my lap rubbing his head against my face and chest and purring. As soon as I laid down, He was right there, half on the right side of my chest rubbing his face against my neck and chest and purring. When I went in the bathroom and closed the door, He was sitting right outside of it crying because He couldn't see me. He knew his Daddy was sick and wanted to make me feel better.
When I got home, He was sitting inside the door waiting for me. The friend that took care of my babies for me while I was in the hospital said He was sitting like that everyday when He came over. He was waiting for his Daddy. He didn't leave my side for the next couple days, just stayed right with me, curled up on my left side right against my cHest where the incision had been made for the tube to be put in purring away and licking my chest or shirt. He wanted to Help his Daddy heal up good.

I was his Daddy. He was my Baby Boy and my Buddy.

I lost my Buddy today.

I was in bed all day because I haven't been feeling well lately. I woke up about 9pm, Petted my babies a bit and gave them some loves and scratches like I always do after I wake up. the girls were up and wandering around and playing so I petted and cuddled them first then went to pet Optimus who was napping on the milk crates by the radiator.

He looked so adorable, curled up in a half moon with his head against the DVD player thats on top of the milk crates, one paw resting on the board on top of the radiator, the bright colored imitation beanie baby dog from a 25 cent crane resting between his paws. He liked napping there because it was warm and toasty and big enough for Him to stretch out. I laid my left cheek on the side of his chest so I would hear as soon as He started purring, put my right hand on his side next to my face and I started to pet down his side to his back legs like He liked, and I knew something was wrong. He was warm, but stiff, and when I lifted my head to look at Him his eyes were open but He wasn't moving at all.

I lost it, I started crying right away and just finally stopped but I know I'm gonna cry again. I picked Him up and held him, I tried chest compressions to make Him breath even though I knew it was too late. I was begging Him to wake up, to come back to me, to please just be sleeping. I begged and pleaded for Him to come back and even offered to trade my life for his so his sisters and mother wouldn't be without him. Then I just held Him and just cried. His litter sis Paradox started licking his face and head, nuzzling her head into his. She climed in my lap and tried to get Him to play with her. Ninjai was laying under the bed watching, head down, tail up, waiting. They were trying to get Him to play and it made me cry even more. They didn't understand that He hadn't been napping or that He couldn't play anymore.

Paradox and Ninjai keep wandering around the apartment, going to the places He liked to lay and crying. They're looking for him, just like on the day I had Him fixed. They wandered around looking for Him the same way, and when I brought Him home they jumped on him. He was stoned from the anesthesia so He wasn't playful and just wanted to nap, so they laid with Him licking Him and purring away to make Him feel better. When Ninjai was sick and not feeling good, He did the same thing for her, and He kept Paradox from pouncing on her, protecting his little sissy like a good big brother.

Right now Paradox is in my lap, she keeps sliding her tail over the edge of the chair and swishing it. She always does that to get Optimus' attention. She'd have her tail swishing, He'd see it, He'd attack it, and she'd pull it up just in time to keep Him from getting it. Sometimes He did and she'd jump up, stand in my lap a few seconds, then turn around, lay down, and drop her tail over the other end of the chair. Then she'd do it again and again.

Paradox and Ninjai the the cats I'm most worried about, they're his Litter Sissies. The others played and napped with him, groomed him, but they weren't as close to Him as Paradox and Ninjai. They were litter mates, they'd been together their whole lives right from the moment of conception. they'd shared a womb, nursed together knowing nothing other than the scents of their mother (Lilly) and each other and their mutual cries before their eyes opened. When they opened their eyes, they saw each other and their mother. From day one they were together. They were born in my bathroom, its where they spent the first couple weeks of their lives. As tiny little babies I kept Calicat Jackie and Lynx out of the bathroom. When they were more steady on their feet and able to get around on their own I attached a screen to the edge of the door so I could keep it open some so they could all meet each other. I didnt expect them to be staying, I was supposed to be finding homes for the 4 kittens in the litter and returing Lilly to her owner. I originally gave them 'joke names' so I wouldn't get attached to them. I found a home for "General Tso," and I fell in love with two of them (Chow Mein, renamed Paradox, and WonTon, renamed Ninjai), and had tentatively found a home for Lo Mein.

At ten and a half weeks old, Lo Mein looked like a girl (they all did) and one day I was telling "Her" that "She" might be going to a new home soon so "She" needed to play with "Her" sisters as much as possible now. "She" surprised me by rolling over, kicking her back legs apart, and showing off her newly dropped testicles. My response was "What? Damn, so you're a transformer now? You think you're Optimus Prime or something?" I knew He wasn't going anywhere at that point. Optimus Prime was my favorite transformer when I was a kid, and he'd just gotten his name.

And now he's gone. It hasn't even been 12 hours and I've already caught myself calling Him a couple times. I'm drinking coffee right now, and I tried to shoo Him away when I turned on the water to fill the pot. Lynx is in heat and as I scratched her head I told her "I can't help you baby, go see your brother" before I even realized what I was saying. I got wet food together for the cats while my coffee was brewing and when I went to put it down I looked down to see where Optimus was so I wouldn't step on him. Everytime I get up to refill my mug, I look under the desk to see where He is so I don't kick Him as I turn my chair. I keep expecting to feel claws lightly grasping my feet as He nuzzles against them under the desk. And I start crying again when I realize he isn't there anymore.

I keep wondering if it would have mattered if I hadn't laid down to take a nap and slept all day. I keep wondering if I might have noticed something wrong with Him and been able to get Him to the vet in time to save Him. I keep asking myself if there was something I could have done to help Him, if there was something I missed in the last couple days, but there was nothing. He was His normal, playful, loving self. Worst of all, He was there for me when my lung collapsed, never left my side. But when He needed me, I was sleeping. Even if there was nothing that could have been done to save Him, I should have been holding Him. He should have been in my lap, my arms around Him, petting Him and scratching Him and telling him how much I love HIm and would miss Him. For all the love He gave me He deserved that, I owe it to Him. When His Daddy needed Him, he was right there giving all the love He had to give. When He needed His Daddy, I was napping and He was alone. He deserved more than that. I should have been awake, I should have been there for Him.

Optimus,

I love you. I'll always love you. You'll always be my Baby Boy and my Buddy. Losing you has left a hole inside me that will never be filled. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. You were always there for me, whether it was a migraine or a collapsed lung, you took the best care of me you could and stayed by my side till I was better and I should have been there for you. Please forgive me Baby Boy. If I'd had any idea there was something wrong I'd have been right there, holding you as I called the vet, talking to you as I took you there, holding you as you were examined, and no matter what it took I'dve paid it to make you better.

Don't worry about your Sissies and Mom, I'll take the best care of them I can. Paradox and Ninjai don't understand why they can't find you, and I'm trying to do what I can for them, but they're gonna miss you even more than me. You were their Big Brother, their Litter Mate, you babies had a bond before I ever met you so I know they're gonna take this hard when they realize you aren't coming back. I'll be there for them, I promise. I'll do my best to cheer them up, but it's gonna be hard. I keep looking for you, it's gonna take a long time for me to stop doing that if I ever do. I hope I don't. I hope I keep looking for you for the rest of my life so that your memory doesn't fade. I should have taken more pictures of you, I only have the ones I took when you were real little, and I haven't gotten those developed. But I'm going to do that today.

I hope you don't mind, but I messaged one of the people on the gun forum that does taxidermy. I want to have you here forever, sitting regally like the sphynx watching over me and your Sissies and Mom. I know its just a shell, but its still you're shell and I don't think I can just let the vet toss you after they find out why you left me. I'm sorry about that too, but I need to know so I can protect the rest of the babies if its something they might catch. Its why I contacted the taxidermist, the vet is going to have to cut you open as it is. I'm sorry for that, you should be here in my lap right now instead of where you are.

I miss you, Buddy. We were allies against the female forces here. You and me against the girls. You were my Baby Boy, curled up in my lap getting belly rubs. You were our protector, watching over us as we slept, watching over me when I was ill, and patiently waiting at the door for me to come home to you when the doctor made me better.

You'll always be my Baby Boy, I'll always love you, and there will always be a home for you inside my heart.

Daddy

The vet do it. Because he was frozen they won't do an autopsy to find out why he died. They said it was probably a birth defect since he looked like he was sleeping when I found him.

Lung Update

2009-02-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

Had my followup today. Doc said the X-Rays look good, incision from the chest tube is healing nicely, and other than take it easy for a bit yet I'm good to go to return to life as normal.

The Doc did say that there was a possibility of another hole popping in my left lung or of one forming in my right lung, but that this hole wouldn't be likely to open up again because the scar tissue is stronger than the original tissue, but that means that if the area next to it is weak its more likely to tear. He told me if I experience that kind of pain again I should take myself right to emergency rather than waiting a couple days to see if its something else. As if I'd wait like that again, that shit hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. He also said the pain I have in my chest is most likely just irritation from the chest tube and it should go away in another week or two. I hope so.

I got lucky, literally a toss of a coin. According to the doc, patients who suffer a collapsed lung have a 50/50 chance of requiring surgery to fix it and I fell in on the 50% that don't (so far).

I'm not permitted to go back to work till the 23 , so thats another 2 weeks
that I'm stuck with nothing to do and no money coming in. Of course,
when I go back to work its to a bullshit part time job so the 23 isn't
exactly anything worth looking forward to. Anyone know of a real job out there paying at least $10/hr? Manufacturing, production, warehouse, or pretty much any kind of labor?

Collpsed Lungs

2009-01-30T03:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, so heres the official blog on my health.

On Sunday, January 18, 2008 about 2pm i was sitting here in front of the computer just surfing the interwebs, reading forums, etc. I reached for my coffee and BANG!! It felt like someone slammed a knife through my back between the shoulder blades and out the left side of my chest at the bottom of my ribcage. It was the most intense pain i've ever felt. If I said I didn't think much of it i'd be lying, i was damn near in tears and i did fall of my chair and curl up in a ball on the floor. When the pain finally subsided somewhat I figured I must have pulled something and probably pinched something as well becuase there was a burning sensation to go with the pain at that point.

So I laid down for a bit, and when it got a little better I got up again and just took it easy. I put some ice on it, I avoided lifting, etc. As the week went on, the pain got worse and I started having difficulty breathing, and by Thursday (the 22) it was at the point where I was struggling to breath after just walking down the stairs to check the mail so I drove over to Reading Hospital about 7pm and hit the emergency room.

Turned out I had a hole in my left lung and the lung had collapsed due to the pressure put on it by air leaking into my chest cavity. My lung was down to half its proper size and the air around it was preventing it from expanding at all when I tried to breath. My right lung was fine, but because of the pain of trying to breath and the shallowness of my breaths I was breathing at less than 50% capacity. The doctor put a tube in my chest and admitted me to the hospital with a minimum stay of 3 days (Sunday, Jan 25).

Chest X-Ray on Friday (23) showed my lung had expanded some, and again on Saturday (24), and Sunday (25), but the upper portion of the lung was still collapsed. Monday (26) and Tuesday (27) showed no change in the lung, still partially collapsed. The doctor decided to release me from the hospital anyway with the hope that the hole in my lung had healed and the lung would re-expand fully over the next 2 weeks. I have a follow up appointment on the 9th to see where things stand with that.

If my lung hasn't re-expanded it will indicate that there is still a problem and I may be back in the hospital. If the hole hasn't healed I'll be back in sooner than that. Either way, if there are further problems I'll be looking at surgery to fix the issue.

While I was there I had 2 visitors. One was my friend Mike (hes on here as Wormzer, drop him a comment thanking him for stopping in to see me), the other was Rich Banks, the founder of PAOpenCarry.org. He lives several hours away, but had to be a little closer than that for business so he stopped in to see me. Seeing some friendly faces helped alot with dealing with being laid up, and they both brought laptops so I could get online a little which also helped. There were some others that wanted to stop in but couldn't, but just knowing they wanted to made it a little easier to deal with being there. Until you go through something like that, you have no idea what it feels like to be in laid up like thatl.

On a good note, the chest X-Rays didn't show any other issues with my lungs, so smoking as long as I have hasn't done any irreparable damage. I'm now a non-smoker.

Being in the hospital for something like that was absolutely terrifying, but not so much for myself. I was more worried about my cats than about myself. All but one of my babies has never lived anywhere but with me, and the one that lived somewhere else was called "bitch cat" by everyone that knew her before she came here. Right now, 4 of them are laying in arms reach (one in my lap, one next to my keyboard, one on the desk to my left, and one on the floor next to my chair), the other 2 are on my bed curled up together on my pillow. I love my babies, and I know they love me.

The couple days before I went to the hospital they could tell something was wrong, and I had I been paying closer attention to them, I would have realized it was something serious. They're normally affectionate, but not as much as they were, and not as much as they are now. They were not only laying on the bed when I laid down, they pressed themselves right up against me and started purring. Now they're always trying to be close to me (sometimes annoyingly so). Their change in mannerisms says they know somethings wrong, and the extra attention they're giving me says they want me to feel better.

So I was scared for them. I didn't know what would happen to them If I had to be in the hospital for very long. I was worried that their happy home might be broken up. I was worried about how they would take it if they ended up having to be separated. I had someone that could check in on them every day to clean their litter, make sure they had food and water, and spend some time with them so I knew in the short term they'd be ok, but what about long term? Lilly ("bitch cat) was hissing at him and lashing out if he came near her, just like she did with everyone when she first came to live with me. She hasnt been like that with anyone for almost 2 years now, so I know she was upset by me not being here. The other cats weren't like that, but even they weren't their normal selves.

I hope whatever the problem was, it goes away so that I don't have to worry about my babies. They were freaking out when I got the male fixed and he was away for one day, how would they handle being split up?

I have a feeling I may end up back in the emergency room before my followup appointment. Too many trips on the steps and I'm huffing and puffing, and a walk around the block leaves me short of breath. If it gets worse, I'll be back in. I hope it doesn't come to that, I'm absolutely terrified of the possibility of facing surgery.

MEMO FOR: National and PA gun rights POCs:

2008-06-21T21:32:00.001-07:00

May 14, 2008

MEMO FOR: National and PA gun rights POCs:

SUBJECT: Update re Dickson City, PA Borough Council Meeting last night - Dickson City PA council obeys law, allows open carry, takes public comment

1. About 30 OpenCarry.org and PAFOA.org members converged on Dickson City last night to testify against police state style roundups of gun owners peaceably eating dinner last Friday. The City Council was told in no uncertain terms that they had better take action to get their police procedures up to date.

2. Gun owners open and concealed carry, based upon preference. No harassment by the City on this matter, despite veiled references to this by the police chief on radio/TV interviews during the day. At the meeting, the City solicitor confirmed that the Borough had no power to ban guns at Borough Hall, unless perhaps they bootstrapped its 'holding cell" as a lawful basis to do so - he did not look too confident on this.

3. Afterwards, about 8 of us retired to a local restaurant (Charlie Brown's) without any problem, except for the free desert the manager made us eat. All but one person was openly carrying.

4. Subsequent news coverage below.

5. Key talking points:

1. Police had no reasonable articulable suspicion to seize the gun owners, let alone demand IDs, search them, seize their guns, "run" their serial numbers, and in one case, refuse to return a gun to Rich Banks, a federal firearms dealer, because his gun's serial number was not found by police in any database. Again, this was a group of men, women, and small children eating dinner - all rousted by unlawful police action.

2. There is no gun registration in PA. But the police in Dickson City remain in confusion/denial over this issue of checking guns' serial numbers and seems to still think this should be done with an eye toward seizing guns if things don't "match." Hence, Katrina style gun confiscations may continue where police take your gun 'till you can prove you own it. Therefore, the PSP handgun transfer database should be destroyed as it just causes problems for law abiding gun owners.

3. Rich Banks still does not have his gun back. Rich is not just a federal gun dealer - he is also a right to carry permit holder and he did show his PA License to Carry Firearm permit to the police - but the police could not "verify" that he owned the gun thru their computer checks and demanded that Rich bring proof of ownership to the police before he could get his gun back.

4. Bad police procedure is good for criminals! As the seizures of persons and guns violated the Fourth Amendment, the police bumbled the encounter because had any of the guns or people turned up to be "bad," the evidence would have been suppressed. See e.g., Florida, v. T.L.; Arizona v. Hicks; Commonwealth v. Hawkins (Pa.).

5. Litigation possible. Litigation for violations for Fourth Amendment and other rights may be pending by folks who were seized by police and one gun owner's unarmed wife threatened with arrest if she did not stop filming. As I was not there, I am not a Plaintiff nor have any inside knowledge.

Mike Stollenwerk
OpenCarry.org
--

News coverage:

1. http://pahomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=25398 - video link embedded with me on the air yesterday.

SNIP

Organizations such as opencarry.org say these law abiding citizens were pulled from their dinner, asked for their "papers" and that personal property was confiscated.
[NOTE: on the video, the police chief is very confused - like almost states, there is no gun registration and so seizing gun owners to run ID checks and gun serial number checks made no practical, and even less legal sense - I got in a cite to Arizona v. Hicks.]

2. http://www.wnep.com/Global/story.asp?S=8320639

3. http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=19687220&BRD=2185&PAG=461&dept_id=590572&rfi=8 w/video

SNIP

Contacted by The Times-Tribune, Lackawanna County District Attorney Andy Jarbola declined to comment on this specific case, but said people have a right to openly carry a weapon without having to show identification or a permit.

“Police can ask, but if they don’t want to give it, they don’t have to,” he said. “It’s going to be surprising to the public, but that’s the current state of law.”

4. http://pahomepage.com/media_player.php?media_id=15731 w/ 911 call played and ID refusal/arrest/gun seizure discussed.

5. http://wilknetwork.com/Open-Carry-People-Make-Their-Point/2185688

6. http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19698237&BRD=2185&PAG=461&dept_id=415898&rfi=6 - PA state rep for Dickson City supports open carry rights! But Lacawanna refuses to release 911 tapes

7. http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19699823&BRD=2185&PAG=461&dept_id=592269&rfi=6 - Philadelphia lawyer mistates law on duty of oepn carriers to carry & show ID on demand

8. http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum46/11028-2.html - Scranton Times-Tribune Editorial slams "Dickson Dozen" and your right to open carry

9. http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=19699850&BRD=2185&PAG=461&dept_id=590572&rfi=8 ("Gun owners protest
A May 9 police incident spilled over into a Dickson City Borough Council meeting Tuesday, with gun-rights advocates alleging harassment by two police officers. The regular monthly meeting erupted into a full-blown debate on the Second Amendment, with more than 20 Pennsylvania Firearm Owners Association members — many of whom were openly armed — arguing their right to carry a weapon in public. Police have yet to release a report of the incident in which a group of customers at Old Country Buffet were questioned about openly carrying handguns in public. At least one of those customers, Rich Banks, of Luzerne County, was detained for refusing to cooperate with police in regard to his concealed .38-caliber handgun.").

10. http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=19703654&BRD=2185&PAG=461&dept_id=590572&rfi=8 - one of the Dickson Dozen's attonreys says: "It sounds like a bad episode of Hogan's Heroes"

11. Police report: http://scrantontimestribune.com/projects/policereport.pdf

12. Alex Jones show radio interview: http://www.lildobe.net/gallery2/v/Guns/media/DicksonCity/PennsyPlinker+on+Alex+Jones+Show+5-20-08.mp3.html

13. Audio recording of city council meeting:
http://www.lildobe.net/gallery2/v/Guns/media/DicksonCity/dc_meeting_5_08.mp3.html

14. http://www.citizensvoice.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19703745&BRD=2259&PAG=461&dept_id=571464&rfi=6

15. http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19707014&BRD=2185&PAG=461&dept_id=418218&rfi=6

16. http://www.lildobe.net/gallery2/v/Guns/media/DicksonCity/OcInDicksonCity.flv.html - WNEP 11 O-Clock report

17. http://www.timesleader.com/pittstondispatch/news/Random_notes_on_the_news_05-24-2008.html - pro-gun commentary on Dickson Dozen incident

18. http://wilknetwork.com/Pack-More-Bra...epower/2186256 - Steve Corbett attacks Dickson Dozen; says they would be shot on site in Philly!

19. http://www.citizensvoice.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=19754944&BRD=2259&PAG=461&dept_id=455154&rfi=8 - Rich Banks interview by Scranton Times-Tribune

20. The New Gun Week, June 15, 2008: "Open Carry Incident Ignites Outrage, Possible Lawsuit" - link at http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum63/11690.html

21. More video and audio files on the continuing coverage at http://www.lildobe.net/gallery2/v/PAFOA/DicksonCity

Last edited on Sun Jun 15th, 2008 07:47 am by Mike

Police Training Day

2008-05-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

************************************************** **********
OpenCarry.org Press Release - May 20, 2008
************************************************** **********
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE[1]
************************************************** **********
OpenCarry.org calls for a state-wide police “training day” to stop ongoing Keystone Cop gun grabs!

Dickson City, PA police report on the Dickson Dozen round-up “sounds like a bad episode of Hogan’s Heroes” says Allentown, PA lawyer Brian Collins

Apparently Dickson City Police Chief and Lackawanna County ADA did not get the memo: Rep. Cruz’s gun registration bill (HB 760) was laughed out of Harrisburg last year

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The police report is out. Read it at http://scrantontimestribune.com/proj...licereport.pdf.

And gun owner discussion threads are ablaze at http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum46/11071.html & http://www.pafoa.org/forum/news-123/...n-dispute.html (Dickson City: Police Report shows confusion on gun dispute).

And based upon this report, and the analysis by the Scranton Times-tribune’s Charles Schillinger at http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/site...d=590572&rfi=8 (“Report shows confusion on gun dispute”) it’s not lookin’ good for Dickson City Police Chief Stadniski nor Lackawanna County Assistant Attorney Kolcharno who jointly ordered the confiscation of lawfully owned handguns from PA residents Rich Banks and Roger Mccarren. Banks’ gun has not yet been returned to him, and Mccarren’s gun was inexplicably given by police to another citizen who did NOT own the gun.

The fact that neither the police nor the ADA have stepped up the plate and come clean to admit that there is no gun registration in PA and that no law limits gun carry to guns somehow “linked” in police databases to the carrier indicates that Stadniski & Kolcharno and, from recent Internet chatter about other similar police gun grabs around the Keystone State, many police officers and DAs across PA must have missed the memo – i.e., that Rep. Cruz’s gun registration bill (HB 760) was laughed out of Harrisburg last year![2]

OpenCarry.org therefore calls on Governor Rendell to declare a state wide “training day” for police and DAs to prevent any more Keystone Cop gun confiscations.

For starters, every police officer and DA should be required to sign a statement that they have read 18 Pa.C.S § 6111.4 which provides that “[n]otwithstanding any section of this chapter to the contrary, nothing in this chapter shall be construed to allow any govern*ment or law enforcement agency or any agent thereof to create, maintain or operate any registry of firearm ownership within this Commonwealth.” Further, the law enforcement community must be made to understand that carriage of a handgun is not unlawful even if the PA State Police record of sale database happens to indicate that at one point in the past life of the handgun it was transferred to person other than the current possessor. Finally, the police and DAs need to acknowledge that absent reasonable suspicion of a crime, they have no right to even temporarily seize guns to check serial numbers any more than they may lawfully demand to check people’s cell phone SIM card serial numbers.

NOTE: The Keystone Cops’ gun grabs in Dickson City will be the topic of Alex Jones’ nation-wide radio/short wave show on http://www.infowars.com from 1-4 PM East Coast Time. Guests will include Pennsylvania Firearm Owner Association member Bill Grumbine speaking on the Dickson Dozen police round up.

John Pierce/Mike Stollenwerk

##########################
Contact anytime on gun stories:
--
Mike Stollenwerk
Mr. Stollenwerk is a lifelong legal resident of Lancaster County, PA. In 2006, Stollenwerk prevailed in a federal lawsuit against the Pennsylvania State Police to quash their unlawful demands for social security number disclosure from gun purchasers and License to Carry Firearms applicants. Stollenwerk v. Miller, 2006 WL 463393 (E.D. Pa. 2006).
--
John Pierce
Mr. Pierce is an IT professional and works for an Allentown, PA area firm.
--
http://www.OpenCarry.org
A national pro-gun Internet community with more than 5,700 registered
members
News media reports citing OpenCarry.org's perspective:
http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum63
##########################

[1] See previous press release focusing on the unlawful police detention, searches, and arrests of the Dickson Dozen at http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum46/10755.html, and summary of last week’s Dickson City borough council meeting at http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum46/10896.html.

[2] See e.g., Tom Mitchell, Official says gun bill doomed, Leader Times, April 13, 2007, available at http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/lead...s_502548.html; Brad Bumstead, Extreme gun control, Pittsburgh Tribune Review, April 22, 2007, available at http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pitt.../s_503956.html.

Dickson City Update

2008-05-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

**Press Update**

A loose knit coalition of gun owners offended directly and indirectly by the police-state treatment of gun owners and their guns by Dickson City, PA police officers plan to register their concerns to the Dickson City Borough Council on Tuesday, May 13, at 7PM - their regular monthly meeting which includes a citizen comment period.

While we have no idea how many people will be coming, or what they will say, those attending will likely be urging the Council to get their police force under control by (1) halting suspicion-less detentions and searches of gun owners, (2) ceasing arbitrary demands for identification without lawful basis, (4) end unlawful orders to citizens to cease recording police activities, and (4) to stop treating Americans' guns as if they were "contraband."

See meet-up coordination discussion threads at http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum46/10785.html & http://www.pafoa.org/forum/general-2...3-may-7pm.html (Come attend Dickson City Council meeting Tuesday, 13 May, 7PM!).

Mike Stollenwerk

Sieg Heil! Dickson City, PA police conduct Katrina style gun confiscation!

2008-05-11T13:49:00.001-07:00

--

************************************************************

OpenCarry.org Press Release - May 10, 2008

************************************************************

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

************************************************************

Sieg Heil! Dickson City, PA police demand gun owners’ “identity papers” & conduct Katrina style gun confiscation!

Gun owners to demand Habeas Arma!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

It looks like the Dickson City (a borough in Lackawanna County, PA) police and Lackawanna County District Attorney have erected a “new order” in Pennsylvania – one where citizens must present their identity papers and give up their guns to police on demand.

Or, maybe Dickson’s finest are just trying to borrow a page from the play book of their bros’ in blue from the City of Brotherly love. . . [1]

The facts[2]

The facts are simple and not in dispute – a few folks, including families with small children, met up for dinner at the Old Country Buffet on Friday, May 9.[3] Apparently a customer called the police to report that some of these people were openly carrying handguns. Next thing you know, Dickson City Patrolman Tony Mariano and female Officer Gallagher rolled up and proceeded to roust everyone away from their dinners, demanded identity documents from anyone they saw openly carrying guns, and seized the guns for some sort of Orwellian “serial number check.”

When Luzerne County resident Rich Banks[4] and his wife Judy went over to the police and asked them what was going on, the police threatened to arrest Judy unless she turned off her camcorder, and then unlawfully arrested Rich when he declined to show identification[5] – Rich was then searched and placed in cuffs in a squad car.[6]   Rich’s 6 year old son was upset and crying and several of the women in the party became nearly hysterical.[7]

For some time thereafter, squad cars full of police from the city of Scranton and Lackawanna County rolled up to assist in the illegal detention, ID checks, and serial number gun checks of these law abiding citizens just trying to eat dinner together.

Police start to get nervous

But something was wrong – Banks could see officers from the various jurisdictions franticly making cell phone calls and talking to each other – after a while, Officer Gallagher, the mean spirited officer in charge, who told Rich’s wife she did not want to be filmed because she might want to go back to “under cover work some day,” came over to Rich and said they were going to go easy on him and release him. But . . . Gallagher said he could not get his gun back until he “proved ownership” because there was no record of his gun in police records. Mr. Banks – a “gun smith” with a federal gun dealer license – explained to Gallagher that her seizure, arrest, and search of his person was unlawful and demanded his property be returned immediately because there was no more reason he had to prove he owned the gun than to prove he owned the TV in his house. Retorted an angry Gallagher, “I heard enough from you tonight!,” slamming the squad door in a huff.

Incredibly, officer Gallagher then claimed to have contacted unknown elements of the Lackawanna District Attorney’s office which allegedly ordered her not to return Banks’ gun until he “proved ownership.”[8] Banks demanded a receipt from the police – so they wrote a note (attached, with serial number redacted).

So that’s the story – a bunch of police, acting like thugs, unlawfully roust and harass gun owners and their families for the crime of obeying the law – and then drive away after stealing a gun.

Police look for cover from restaurant management

As the police began winding down their Kafkaesque theater act, one of the officers asked the Old Country Buffett manager on duty if he “had any problems” with the group remaining at the restaurant. The manager responded laconically that “we had no problems ‘till you showed up.”

The law:

It’s pretty simple actually. Pennsylvania is like most states. There is no gun registration, and, generally, anyone 18 years of age or over can openly carry a handgun on foot without any license to do so, even while eating dinner.[9] As a constitutional matter, a mere 911 call reporting a “man with a gun” does not allow the police to detain or search anyone.[10] And while it is true that the Pennsylvania State Police maintain a handgun sales database consisting of information reported to them by Pennsylvania gun dealers,[11] it is not a crime to own or carry a gun not listed in the database which only consists of guns transferred through Pennsylvania gun dealers anyway.[12] And the police have no power to confiscate personal property for failure to carry proof of ownership.

What’s next?

Habeas Arma!

OpenCarry.org calls on the Lackawanna County District Attorney to order Mr. Banks gun returned to him immediately without any further demands for “proof of ownership,” whatever that is supposed to mean.

Further, we call for the suspension and prosecution of Patrolman Mariano and Officer Gallagher and any member of the Lackawanna District Attorney’s office involved in this travesty for violations of civil rights under federal and Pennsylvania law, including Pennsylvania’s “Official Oppression statute.”[13]

Finally, Dickson City Police Chief William Stadnitski had better get his Department under control such that no officer ever treat guns like “contraband” or gun owners like second class citizens.   And it looks like the Chief knows his officers’ were out of control – this incident has not been posted to his Daily Activity report at http://www.dicksoncityborough.org/index.jsp?id=13.[14]

John Pierce/Mike Stollenwerk

##########################

Contact anytime on gun stories:

--

Mike Stollenwerk

Mr. Stollenwerk is a lifelong legal resident of Lancaster County, PA. In 2006, Stollenwerk prevailed in a federal lawsuit against the Pennsylvania State Police to quash their unlawful demands for social security number disclosure from gun purchasers and License to Carry Firearms applicants. Stollenwerk v. Miller, 2006 WL 463393 (E.D. Pa. 2006).

--

John Pierce

Mr. Pierce is an IT professional and works for an Allentown, PA area firm.

--

http://www.OpenCarry.org

A national pro-gun Internet community with more than 5,800 registered

members

News media reports citing OpenCarry.org's perspective:

http://opencarry.mywowbb.com/forum63

##########################

[1] See Patrick Walters, Philadelphia Police Caught Beating Suspects, Associated Press, May 7, 2008, available with video at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/07/philadelphia-police-caugh_n_100569.html.

[2] Assembled from OpenCarry.org’s very reliable members who witnessed this debacle first hand.

[3] See discussion thread at http://www.pafoa.org/forum/concealed-open-carry-121/21292-pa-patriot-arrested-oc-dinner-old-country-buffet-dickson-city-5-9-a.html - at first this thread was just a way to talk about an upcoming social event – at page 15, it became a thread to talk about police misconduct and the thread’s name was then changed.

[4] Mr. Banks is the owner of Frontline Armory, http://www.frontlinearmory.com.

[5] Pennsylvania has no “stop and ID” statute. Further, the United States Supreme Court has struck down state statutes requiring anyone to carry ID credentials. Kolender v. Lawson, 461 U.S. 352 (1983). And last month the 8^th Circuit Court of Appeals held that an officer arresting someone for merely refusing to show identification is not due qualified immunity in a civil lawsuit. Stufflebeam v. Harris, 521 F.3d 884 (8th Cir. 2008). See also Rob Moritz, Fed appeals court says motorist's refusal to give police his name is no cause for arrest, Ark. News Bureau, April 5, 2008, available at http://www.lawreader.com/index.php/browse/node/7438.html.

[8] The story is a bit more complex – by this point, the police realized they were in the wrong generally and proceeded to back down. The police told one man he could not get his gun back because it was not “registered to him” but to his wife. The man told the police there was no registration in Pennsylvania and that Pennsylvania law does not require handgun transfers between family members to be conducted through dealer checks and record keeping anyway. The police handed the gun to the wife and walked away. Another man, who happened to have a License to Carry Firearms (required to “conceal” handguns in Pennsylvania) flat out told the police “you’re not taking my gun or running the serial number,” and the police quickly backed off.

[9] Commonwealth v. Hawkins, 692 A.2d 1068, n.4 (Pa. 1997) (“In all parts of Pennsylvania, persons who are licensed may carry concealed. 18 Pa.C.S. § 6108. Except in Philadelphia, firearms may be carried openly without a license.”). Interestingly, on the same day as Bank’s arrest and theft of his gun by police, the Associated Press reported that gun carry in restaurants is becoming pretty ho hum. Mathew Barakat, Guns in restaurants draw stares but little outcry, Associated Press, May 9, 2008, available at http://tinyurl.com/536htc.

[10] Florida v. J.L., 529 U.S. 266 (2000).

[11] Only 13 other states are like Pennsylvania which generally bans the private **transfers** of handguns, see http://www.opencarry.org/transfers.html, but it is not a crime to move into Pennsylvania with a handgun, or transfer a handgun to a family members without going through a dealer – and so besides the point that the police have no lawful authority to seize guns and check their serial numbers against the PSP handgun transfer database, the fact that the handgun is not listed in the data base, or not associated with the person carrying the handgun is completely irrelevant. Regardless, it’s not a crime to **receive** a handgun in a private transfer under Pennsylvania law.

[12] Obviously the Dickson City and the Lackawanna District Attorney either don’t know the law, or are purposefully violating the law.

[13] 18 Pa.C.S.A. § 5301 ("Official oppression") provides that "[a] person acting or purporting to act in an official capacity or taking advantage of such actual or purported capacity commits a misdemeanor of the second degree if, knowing that his conduct is illegal, he: (1) subjects another to arrest, detention, search, seizure, mistreatment, dispossession, assessment, lien or other infringement of personal or property rights; or (2) denies or impedes another in the exercise or enjoyment of any right, privilege, power or immunity. See also Matt Miller, Constable charged with official oppression, Mid State News, April 3, 2008, available at http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2008/04/constable_charged_with_officia.html.

[14] I wonder what the report will say, if it is ever posted – maybe something like, “To Old Country Buffet on a call about families eating out while some adults carrying holstered side arms. Police harassed a group of law abiding citizens for over an hour, and stole one gun from a man who would not keep his mouth shut.”

Gas Price Reality Check Time

2008-03-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been seeing alot of the "do this to decrease gas prices" posts on various sites. Guess what people, none of them will work.

Why not? SUPPLY AND DEMAND!!!

http://tonto.eia.doe.gov/oog/info/twip/twip_gasoline.html

US Gasoline production and usage for week ending 3/14/08 from domestic and imported oil:
Production: 8.678 million barrels/day
Use: 9.071 million barrels/day

Do the math, in one week we used .393 million (393,000) more barrels of gasoline than we produced, and thats just for one week during off peak season, it goes up during the peak season, summer, because of people goin on vacations and day trips to the shore, amusement park, etc. Multiply that by 52 weeks a year and we're using at least 20,436,000 more barrels of gasoline than we produce in a year.

Here's more to think about, thats just barrels of gasoline. Theres also diesel fuel, kerosene, heating oil, motor oil, aviation fuel, tar, plastics, and how many other petroleum based products that aren't included in those figures.

The "Law of Supply and Demand" states quite clearly that when there is more demand for a product than there is supply, the price will go up.
It also states that when there is more supply than demand, the price will go down.

Want to bring gas prices down? Get the demand for gasoline (and oil products in general) to be less than the available supply. That means more fuel efficient cars, car pooling, walk or ride a bike for short trips, use public transportation, and anything else you can do to decrease gasoline usage. If you heat with oil, turn the thermostat down from 75 to 70 or even 68, if you get chilly put on a sweatshirt. Try shopping at your local farmers market, it takes less fuel, be it diesel or gasoline, to truck local produce to the local market than it does to truck Florida produce to a Pennsylvania market. Those "disposable" plastic containers that Glad and other companies sell can be reused, trust me, they won't dissolve when they get hit with dish soap.

Supply smaller than Demand = High price
Supply greater than Demand = Low price

Decrease the Demand and the oil companies will decrease their price just to get the product to move out of their storage tanks.

So now the choice is simple, either do something that will actually work and isn't just a "feel good gimmick" or bite the bullet and accept the prices as they are. Personally, i got lots of bullets and my teeth are strong, so I'm all set.

And to the republic...

2008-01-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

Specifically that would be the democratic republic, but what is a democratic republic? The first part is easy, democratic means there is a form of democracy involved. Republic on the other hand seems to confuse people, a republic is a union of independent states. So that leaves us with a democratic republic is a union of states that vote.

The US Constitution, Article IV, Section IV states:

The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened) against domestic Violence.

A republican form of government is: a government in which supreme power is held by the citizens entitled to vote and is exercised by elected officers and representatives governing according to law. The key words there are "held" and "exercised." The citizens hold the power, but those elected to represent them wield it.

Article II, Section I states:

The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years, and, together with the Vice-President chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows:

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or Person holding an Office of Trust or Profit under the United States, shall be appointed an Elector.

Electors, as in Electoral College.

Now why this lesson on the Constitution? Simple, every four years the same complaints are made by those who have apparently never read the Constitution. "The electoral college should be abolished/is unconstitutional , our votes don't count, this country is a democracy... and on and on and on. If those people were to read the Constitution (and the fedralist papers in which the founding fathers explained the purpose and reason behind each section of the Constitution) they would learn that:

This country is a Democratic Republic, not a Democracy

This country is a Union of States, not of People

The Electoral College is not only completely legal, it was established by the Constitution

The state legislators appoint the Electors, thus the people have the power to change how their states electoral votes are cast by petitioning their state legilstors to change the Electors

The people have the power to change how the Electors vote by petitioning the state legislation to change the method of dividing up the Electors votes.

The Founding Fathers chose to establish the Electoral College because they knew that the average American citizen wouldn't take the time to learn how the government works resulting in uneducated masses at the polling booths blindly voting on issues they know nothing about.

The Constitution of the United States of America
The Fedralist Papers
Read, understand, learn, and gain knowledge, or remain one of the uneducated masses our Founding Fathers knew you would be.

Falacies of Gun Control

2007-12-29T15:05:00.001-08:00

Scenario: Man walks into home, drops whatever he's carrying and races to his bedroom to immediately inspect each of his firearms to make sure they are 'safe' just as he left them.

What would you call this man? Paranoid? Gun Nut? Probably both.

Thats exactly what a proposed law in Pennsylvania wants though, to paint every law abiding gun owner as a paranoid gun nut by passing a law that would require immediate reporting of stolen guns.

Pennsylvania is also considering legislation that would limit law abiding citizens to only one gun purchase a month. At what point did John Q. Drugdealer and his handgun supplier Joe Thug become law abiding citizens?

Everytime new "gun control" laws are proposed, they always fall short of actually being able to do something about illegal guns in the hands of non law abiding citizens. Drug dealers, gang bangers, bank robbers, muggers, etc dont care what law is passed, they'll just keep on going to the illegal gun dealer they've always gone to and circumvent every law in place.

Instead of going after law abiding citizens and placing more and more burdens on them, why don't the lawmakers try doing something about the criminals and their illegally purchased guns. Lets start with minimum ten year sentence for anyone committing any crime, not just felonies, while illegally in possession of a firearm. Be it murder, drug dealing, speeding, or just jaywalking, if you violate any law, statute, or ordinance and ur have an illegal gun on you its ten years behind bars, no probation, no parole, ten year sentence to run consecutively, not concurrent, to whatever sentnece is issued for the original crime.

And that just for the first offense. Second offense 20 years, third offense 30 years. No need for a mandatory "three strikes" life sentence because you've just gotten a total of 60 years for the possession while committing a crime on top of whatever the three crimes were worth.

Of course, that law would probably end up the same way as all the current laws that penalize criminals, unenforced. The only gun laws that currently get enforced are those that burden law abiding citizens seeking to legally purchase firearms. And why is that? Why does law enforcement ignore the laws that affect people engaging in crimes while enforcing those that affect the law abiding? Because its easier to enforce laws that only affect the law abiding since the law abiding comply with the law to begin with. Actually going after criminals requires effort on the part of law enforcement, and we wouldn't want law enforcement to actually have to do something now would we?

Art as Crime

2007-12-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

I walk around the corner and what do i see? Grafitti on nearly every garage door and fence all the way down the street. Its not a case of the owners don't car, all of the doors and fences have been repainted and/or cleaned several times this year already to cover/remove grafitti, so the owners do care, but the grafitti artists see a blank wall and can't resist the temptation, so out come the spraycans. Most of it is just "Jazz" or "G-Lock" or some other pseudonym that the person goes by when tagging, but some of it is so far beyond the basic quickly scrawled name that its art.

Grafitti as art? Yes, grafitti can be art, especially when someone talented takes the time to design a piece, choosing colors that provide the right amount of complement and contrast, and creates something truly appealing to the eye. It doesn't change the fact that its still vandalism since they don't have the property owners permision, and is therefore a crime, but it is still art.

The city is full of blank walls, the city and county have a rich history, so why are these kids (even if they are over 18 they are still acting out like kids, so thus they shall be called) using garage doors in back alleys to display their creativity and talent? They have the skill, the desire, the motivation, all they need is a canvas, which local businesses could provide easily. he businesses would have murals adorning their walls, he kids would have a legit place to display their talent, and some of them might get offers of other work leading them to a lucrative career doing commercial murals.

What local newspaper wouldn't want a mural depicting the design and construction of the county's first printing press and the publication of the city's first newspaper on that press on their wall?
A bank that at one time was the site of a hotel where George Washington stayed could benefit from having such a patriotic image on their building.
The sons of the man to whom this state was first given by King George planned this city and its initial layout, now hows that for the side of city hall?
The city's industry goes back to the civil war, iron output for the city exceeded the total output of england, and the cannons, rifles, and ammunition produced in those ironworks were the main suppliers of George Washington's revolutionary army.
Depictions of local sports teams 'in action' would be a great addition to the civic center.

So many canvases, so much history, so many opportunities for local artists to display their talents for the world to see, so much pride in the city to be gained by the artists and residents, so many opportunities to beautify the city. So why do the spraycans remain confined to the dark alleys of the city?

Musings from blogs past

2007-12-25T17:00:00.001-08:00

All the best women ending up with guys that just oppress them, control them, and in general mistreat them? What is it that makes these guys feel they need to take a perfect wild rose, cursh it, tear off petals, dethorn it, and kill it? Why can't they see the treasure they hold and curl their hands protectively around it instead of clutching it in a deathgrip and destoying it? Why do the nicest, sweetest, kindest women end up with guys like that who'll just break their spirit.

Maybe I should become like that, controlling. Maybe that'll get me a good woman. In my next relationship, whenever that is, i think ill try that.

I'll DEMAND that she be her own person, i'll ORDER her to NOT live her life for me, to NOT cater to my every whim, to be the woman SHE WANTS to be. I'll give her no choice but to keep her spirit, to feed the fires that rage inside her, Ill allow her to sacrifice for me ONLY IF SHE WANTS TO!!

I know, that's not exactly controlling. I can't be controlling, its not in me to be like that. I can't do that to someone, its not right to treat someone like property like that.

A good woman is a beautiful flower that should be protected, nurtured, cared for. A rare gem that needs to be polished, placed in a setting that matches its beauty, but never cut bc her natural beauty far outshines anything you could do to change it.

To any guys reading this, if you find a good woman, one who'll support you in ur endeavors, laugh with you when your happy, comfort you when ur sad, help heal your past wounds and dry ur tears when someone inflicts a new one, stand by ur side with pride when ur leading the charge, and pick you up when ur knocked down, treat her right. Do for her all that she does for you and more. Be her knight in shining armor when shes in distress, her strength when she feels weak, her diary when she needs to unburden her soul, her pillow when she needs to hold something and cry, her Romeo so she never forgets how beautiful she is and how much she deserves the happiness shes found in you.

Remember the little things, a flower for no reason other than it made you think of her, a little note stuck in her coat pocket that says "I Love You," sweeping her into ur arms and kissing her just because shes there, sitting on the couch together and just being there, the gentle touch on her arm that says "I'm here for you," and watching sunsets together.

Never forget that that good woman has chosen to share her life with you, because the moment you forget that, you'll start taking her for granted and risk not only losing her, but hurting her in ways that may never be able to be healed. If you take her for granted and crush her, just like a rose thats been broken, she may never have the same shine, the same beauty, the same spirit inside that you first fell in love with and that made her the good woman you once held.

Marshall J. Fletcher
4/18/2003

Welcome to my brain

2007-12-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

Apparently, much like the "wascally wabbit," you forgot that its left at Albuquerque. Well as long as you're here, you may as well sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. What ride you ask? I know, that was tres cliche, but its my blog and I'll cliche if I want to, now back to the question. This ride will likely have many strange twists and turns, randomly wandering through everything from observances from everyday life to commentary on politics and everything in between. Sounds like any other blog out there, well, what did you expect, its a blog. Now on to the thoughts.

Happy Holidays!

No, its not a greeting, at least not here. Here its the catalyst for a thought. Is "Happy Holidays" a friendly, heartfelt greeting by someone who's given into "political correctness?" That's what I keep hearing, that its only the anti-christmas, PC crowd bent on destroying everything American and forcing their beliefs on others that uses it. But if true, that would mean that only Christians have a holiday at this time of year. So lets see if thats true.

Christianity - Celebrates Christmas, the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ, on December 25.
Judaism - Celebrates Hanukkah, The Festival of Lights, starting on the 25th day of Kislev on the Jewish calendar and lasting eight days and nights.
Buddhism - Bodhi Day, Enlightenment Day, celebrates the enlightenment of Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, on December 8.
Asatru - Followers of the Nordic faith celebrate Yule, the winter solstice on December 21-22.

I could continue, but I think the point is made, many religions, some older than Christianity, celebrate holidays at this time of year. Let's not forget that there are secular holidays, those with no religious associations, celebrated at this time of year as well.

So back to the question of "Happy Holidays," is it an anti-american attempt to strip Christmas and all things Christian from society? No, its a heartfelt greeting that takes into consideration that Christians aren't the only ones who celebrate at this time of year. With the number of religions in the world, and the number of major events that have happened throughout history and been recognized as significant, anyone with an ounce of sense would know that. So why do some people still condemn "Happy Holidays" and anyone who dares to utter it?

Religious freedom, that thing that the condemners are claiming is being infringed, is the answer. Nobody is trying to take their faith from them, as they claim, but they think that if they make that claim their attempt to strip other religions of their winter holiday celebrations will go unnoticed. One side of their mouth claims their religious freedom is being infringed, while the other side of their mouth condemns anyone who acknowledges another's religious traditions.

Hypocrisy at its finest, but what would one expect from America's right wing? Have no fear, I'll call the left on theirs as well. I am a firm believer in Equal Opportunity when it comes to calling out hypocrites.

And so, we have come to the conclusion of this little musing, I hope you enjoyed it, and if not, close the window and pretend it was just a bad dream. So until next time...

Happy Holidays everyone.

The Bipedal Vertebrate