Almost a year

Optimus,

I miss you Baby Boy. In a few days it'll be a year since You were taken from us and crossed the rainbow bridge and it still hurts to not have You here. I can smile and laugh at all the memories I have of You, I always could, but I still feel the pain of losing You too. I still automatically look for You when I vacuum expecting to see You pounce the vacuum cleaner and then wait for Your super sucker power rubbies, still wait for nighty time face rubbies when I crawl into bed and wakey uppy time face rubbies and brekky bellies in the morning, I still expect You to protect me from the tooter monster when it wiggles its ten piggy heads under the blankies, and I still shed a few tears everytime I remember that I only have memories of You because You're gone. I know it's supposed to get easier, and in some ways it has, but in others it's gotten harder.

I still dream about you too, and everytime I wake up thinking it's real and then cry again because it's not. I wish those dreams would last longer, Your Mommy and Sissies get to play with You in them. They chase you around and around, You pounce their tails, all of You lay in a big kitteny pile of nappytime happiness. Those dreams feel so good because we're all together.

We got snow, lots of it. I remember intruducing You and the rest of My Babies to snow. You were the only one that didn't freak out and try to run back inside or up my leg. You stood there looking at it, lifting your paw and looking at the cold white stuff stuck to it, sniffing it, and then licking it before deciding it must be a toy. I can still see You trying to catch the falling flakes, jumping up and swatting at them, bouncing around in less than an inch it on the ground and trying to look like You meant to slide and fall on Your butt. We got lots more snow than that now. Your Mommy and Sissies still don't like it, but I know You'd love it. You'd have to stand up on Your back legs to poke Your head out of it and leap way up high to move around. That's one thing that's harder, snow. I'm glad I was alone when it started, explaining to the person we've been staying with why I called You and why I was crying would have been impossible. Without even thinking I called You to you to ask if you were watching the snow fall. For just an instant I was back Home and You were there.

Your Mommy, Sissies, and I aren't in the Home you knew anymore. I cried for a while when we had to leave there because it was Your Home and I was afraid the memories of You there would fade. Thankfully they didnt, The background in them has but not the important part, You. I wish we were still living there though, all of us in our happy Home together. The happiest, most fullfilling, and most fullfilled part of my life was in that apartment with My Babies. Everything in my life before that just seems meaningless, like life didn't begin till Your Big Sissies came into my life and was only complete after Your Mommy brought You and Your Litter Sissies to me. It feels like I was only going through the motions before that, just suviving alone in an empty existence until I was blessed with my Baby Kitties. I don't know if there is a meaning or purpose to life, but it seems that if there is mine was to love and be loved by You and Your Mommy and Sissies and to continue to love them and be loved by them.

We're going to be leaving this place soon too. Your Mommy and Sissies will still be together, but I need You to watch over them for me, especially at night. I won't be able to stay where they are so I'll be sleeping somewhere else. They're going to be confused and upset at being in another new place as it is and not having anything that smells right or being able to sleep with Daddy will have them more upset and confused so You need to watch over them just like You always did. They're going to need You till I can get us another place where we can be together again and until then Your Mommy and Sissies will need you to protecys them and make them feel all better. I know You'll be doing that, that You're still doing that.

I can see You up there laying at the peak of the rainbow bridge, paws hanging over the edge, head and ears up, tail curled around Your body looking down and watching over us. My Baby Boy looking all regal like the sphynx watching over His domain and making sure His family is safe. I miss You Buddy, and I love You.

Daddy

Letter to Opty - from an older post, deserves its own.

Optimus,

I love you. I'll always love you. You'll always be my Baby Boy and my Buddy. Losing you has left a hole inside me that will never be filled. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. You were always there for me, whether it was a migraine or a collapsed lung, you took the best care of me you could and stayed by my side till I was better and I should have been there for you. Please forgive me Baby Boy. If I'd had any idea there was something wrong I'd have been right there, holding you as I called the vet, talking to you as I took you there, holding you as you were examined, and no matter what it took I'dve paid it to make you better.

Don't worry about your Sissies and Mom, I'll take the best care of them I can. Paradox and Ninjai don't understand why they can't find you, and I'm trying to do what I can for them, but they're gonna miss you even more than me. You were their Big Brother, their Litter Mate, you babies had a bond before I ever met you so I know they're gonna take this hard when they realize you aren't coming back. I'll be there for them, I promise. I'll do my best to cheer them up, but it's gonna be hard. I keep looking for you, it's gonna take a long time for me to stop doing that if I ever do. I hope I don't. I hope I keep looking for you for the rest of my life so that your memory doesn't fade. I should have taken more pictures of you, I only have the ones I took when you were real little, and I haven't gotten those developed. But I'm going to do that today.

I hope you don't mind, but I messaged one of the people on the gun forum that does taxidermy. I want to have you here forever, sitting regally like the sphynx watching over me and your Sissies and Mom. I know its just a shell, but its still you're shell and I don't think I can just let the vet toss you after they find out why you left me. I'm sorry about that too, but I need to know so I can protect the rest of the babies if its something they might catch. Its why I contacted the taxidermist, the vet is going to have to cut you open as it is. I'm sorry for that, you should be here in my lap right now instead of where you are.

I miss you, Buddy. We were allies against the female forces here. You and me against the girls. You were my Baby Boy, curled up in my lap getting belly rubs. You were our protector, watching over us as we slept, watching over me when I was ill, and patiently waiting at the door for me to come home to you when the doctor made me better.

You'll always be my Baby Boy, I'll always love you, and there will always be a home for you inside my heart.

Daddy

Six Months

Its been six months since He was taken from us. I still can't think about Him without crying. I can't talk about Him without crying. I still keep looking for Him without thinking about it. I try to chase Him from the faucet when making coffee and tell Him to watch His head when I get up from the desk. I still have so many habits that exist only because of Him but they have no meaning now.

I sit at my desk after taking a shower and still close my eyes and just sit here. I'd washed "our smell" off of me and He'd fix that. He'd jump up on the desk and start rubbing His cheeks and forehead against my face getting His smell and the smell of the other Babies back on me, then He'd groom my hair and beard so I looked as good as I smelled. Sitting down and closing my eyes while I enjoyed His grooming of me became automatic. Now its just sitting down and closing my eyes, and it tears me up.

I get into bed, give the covers a shake so they lay loosely around my feet and wait. He'd always jump on the bed, rub my face to say goodnight, then pounce my feet and wrap his paws around them as he rubbed His face on them through the blankets. Now its just a flap of the blankets that drives a knife into my heart.

I wake up and wait for Him to greet me with a morning face rub before getting his brekkie bellies like He did everyday and it never comes. There's no good mornings for Daddy.

Exactly 6 months to the day and it still feels like He's here. Sometimes I swear I hear Him cry, so I call Him to me only to realize that it couldn't have been Him. I'll be laying in bed and feel His freight train rumble run through my foot and I wiggle my toes and try to rub His ears with them but there's nobody there. I'll be at my desk, kicking my foot as I type, bump Him, and when I push the keyboard tray in as I say "Daddy boooooked you" I see an empty space under the desk instead of Him.

I miss Him so much. I still need My Buddy. He deserves to be with his family playing with bally, and pouncing their tails, and running around the apartment, and napping with them and just being loved. More than anything He deserves a long, healthy, happy life full of love.

Never finished this one - Started July 27

My chest problems haven't gone away, its getting worse. But that's not why I'm writing.

Lynx has been laying up on the dresser when I go to bed lately. She lays there, front paws curled under, head and ears up, eyes slitted and wathcing the room.
When I lay down in the bed Calicat lays on my stomach with her head on my chest or by my side pressed against me purring away.
At the desk Paradox is in my lap, laying there purring or sitting pressed against my chest.
Ninjai tries to follow me into the bathroom everytime I go in like she doesn't want me out of her sight.
Lilly lays by my feet under the desk and in the bed keeping the other cats from attacking them and using them for pillows.

Those used to be Optimus' jobs. He'd watch over us at night when we went to bed before joining us. He stayed by my side in bed and in my lap at the desk purring away trying to heal my chest. He followed me to the bathroom to keep an eye on me and make sure I was ok. He layed by my feet and kept the others from attacking them when I was healthy. Those were His jobs. He decided to watch over us at night so I could sleep and make sure my toes weren't stalked, and take care of me when my lung collapsed.

I miss Him. I miss Him so much. It's over 5 months and I still think about Him everyday, I still call for Him. I still accidentally call my other Babies by His name when they do something that reminds me of Him. I still expect Him to be there giving me morning rubbies and ready for brekky bellies when I wake up. I go to bed, tell my Babies its beddy times and then pause expecting night night rubbies from Him. I turn on the faucet to get water for coffee and still expect HIm to try playing with the water.

It's their birthday

Tomorrow Paradox, Ninjai, and Optimus will be two, except Opty's gone. I wanted to get Him the Man with the Yellow Hat from Curious George because He loved that cartoon and would always try to touch the Man with the Yellow Hat when he was on the screen and wouldn't take His eyes off him. He looked so cute sitting right in front of the tv, nose almost pressed to the screen as He followed TMwtYH around and tried to grab him. I was gonna get a soft plush MwtYH for Him so He'd be able to play with him anytime He wanted to. I'm still gonna get it for Him, and wanted to get it for tomorrow but I can't afford it right now. I was gonna get a new net bed for Paradox too, her favorite place to curl up is on the one thats supported on all four sides here, Ninjai prefers the net hammock so I was going to get her a new one too. None of the other cats sleep on them so those are their spots and I wanted to get them new ones, but again I can't afford it right now. So for now all I can do is give them the sample packs of "party mix" blend food I have here (I already gave it to them and they loved it) and tomorrow give them some special din dins (gonna try to borrow a couple bucks to get them chunk white albacore in water) and give them extra lovings in the form of more petting, scratching, and belly rubbing than normal.

Besides being their birthday, its also Saturday and that means Saturday morning cartoons. If you've read my previous blogs you know how much that hurts, if not, read them and you'll understand. Having the rest of My Babies here helps some but it still hurts when I expect Him to be there and He's not. I still look for Him and call Him without thinking about it. It's been just over three months now, I still think about Him just as much, still expect Him to be here just as often, and it's still not any easier to deal with losing My Baby Boy.

Six Kookies

Six cookies, that's whats left in the jar. They're kitty cookies, Whisker Lickin's. My Babies love them, When I grab the jar and they hear the cookies rattling around inside they come running, they know that sound. Everytime I give them some they get three each. They all push and shove to get their cookies, trying to be the first and then trying to sneak an extra however they can. All excpet for Optimus, He always waited till the others had their cookies to walk past them and get His. He knew he wouldn't be skipped, and He also knew that by waiting He'd get special scratches and pets while He nommed His cookies.

I've given the Babies cookies twice since I lost Him. Each time I poured them into my hand, counted to make sure I had enough for all of them, gave them their cookies, then called Opty to give Him the last three in my hand. I'd counted out 18 cookies, enough for all six of my Babies, but I only have five babies now. I never even thought about it, I just got the cookies out and started giving them to my Babies and when I'd given out all but three I called Opty. When I realized what I did the tears started rolling.

They started rolling today too. I grabbed the jar to give them some cookies and there were only six left in it. They're Opty's cookies, more precisely they're the six cookies I had left between the two times I've given Babies cookies since I lost Him. I know He wouldn't mind if I gave them to His Sissies and Mommy, but 6 cookies, 5 cats, there's no way to give them out evenly and unless there's some special circumstance, like when Opty got neutered or when Ninjai had a bladder infection, I give them out evenly.

Even if there was only 5, they're my Baby Boy's cookies, so He has them. I taped the lid on the jar and put it in His box. I know it's not the same as giving them to Him, but they're His so He should have them and that's the only way to give them to Him. I wish He was still here, I miss Him so much and His Sissies and Mom still look for Him when they're playing so I know they miss Him too. We all miss Him.

Dreams within Dreams

I woke up today ice cold, soaked in sweat, and tangled in the covers so tightly I couldn't move. I didn't remember my dreams but they must have been bad. It was ok though, one of my babies was there trying to comfort me. My hair was plastered to my face so I couldn't see, but the warm face rubbing against mine, the sandpaper tongue licking the sweat away, the freight train rumble of a purr that I could feel as much as hear, and the plaintive cries that said "Daddy, wake up. Its ok, I'm here for you" all made everything ok. I managed to get my arms untangled from the blankets, pulled my hair out of my face so I could see, looked into those loving eyes, and instantly everything was right in the world.

Then I sat up and held Him. I reached my arms out and just held Him close feeling His purr vibrate through me. I scratched His ears, His cheeks, and His chin. I put my hands under His front legs and lifted Him up so I could rub my face against His. I told Him over and over how much I love Him and how glad I was to see Him. I turned Him on His back to give Him His brekky bellies and He just stretched Himself out and purred away as happy as can be. I just sat there on the bed holding Him and loving Him and telling Him how special He is to me, and He just laid there purring away and looking up at me with such love in His eyes it made me cry.

So I sat there, holding Him as I rubbed His belly and crying. I told Him all about the horrible nightmare I'd had, how I'd dreamed I'd lost Him, how much it hurt, how much His Sissies and Mommy and I had missed Him, and how overjoyed I was that it had only been the worst of dreams and was finally over. I told him I was gonna go get a camera to get lots of pictures of Him and His Sissies and Mommy, and that I was gonna get HIm His birthday present early. I'd promised Him I'd get Him the "Man with the Yellow Hat" for His birthday, but now He was getting it early because of the nightmare.

Opty just looked up at me and meowed, He liked the idea of getting His birthday present early and I laughed. He rolled over, stood up in my lap, and started rubbing His face against mine again and I rubbed mine against His as I stroked his back and scratched His ears. Everything was as it should be, my Baby Boy was right here with us getting the love He deserves.

I started crying again, but this time the tears weren't from joy. Instead of just rolling down my face as I smiled and held Optimus, they were joined with racking sobs. I held Optimus tighter, thinking it was just the last of the pain from the nightmare working its way out of me and that it would pass, but I had an uncontrollable need to just hold Him close and tell Him over and over that I love Him. I couldn't see through my tears, and when I managed to open my eyes again and wipe away the tears I was laying on my side on the bed curled up in a ball saying "I love you Opty." I reached for Him but He wasn't there, and when I called Him He didn't come.

When I sat up to look for Him, everything was wrong. His tubbys, the table, His crates, they were all in the wrong places. They weren't in His places, they were where I'd moved them to over the weekend. It hadn't been real. Everyday I cry, everyday I beg to wake up from this nightmare. I thought I had, I thought the nightmare was over but it was only a dream. I tried to go back to sleep, I wanted to be able to hold Him again, to be able to rub His belly to make Him happy, to see that love in His eyes and feel His contented purring as I held Him, but I couldn't. I couldn't get back to sleep, instead I just laid there crying.

The wrong dream ended.